It is exactly one year since we submitted our application form for our adoption. Has it really only been a year? Feels much, much longer than that. Maybe that's partly because we actually enquired in April, but they wouldn't let us submit the form until July, after several meetings, so it really is longer than a year. Maybe it's because I've read more stinkin' books on adoption and parenting than I previously knew the universe contained, and I've used up several years worth of brainpower. Maybe it's because, in that time, every single one of my sisters / in law have got pregnant, and we've slipped from 2009 grandchild pole position to somewhere in the midfield, and are losing more ground all the time. I know this shouldn't matter, but it is very hard to buy presents for babies who weren't even conceived, who - as I used to say when I was little - weren't even thought of - when we started this process, even if they are beloved nieces and nephews.
I had hoped, that by now: ---
Oh, who cares what I hoped. It hasn't happened.
I know that one day all of this will change, but today feels like an unhappy anniversary. I look back on how I felt then, and it was mostly still All! So! Exciting! that we were doing this. Now, I just feel like all that has been beaten out of me by the exigencies of this horrible process. Please forgive my day of wallowing, but I really haven't enjoyed seeing my ticker click back around to the beginning again. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, but today I just feel sad.
I'm sorry that you're having a sad day but I completely understand. Adoption, or rather the adoption process, can beat you down just as thoroughly as TTC with infertility. In some ways, I find it harder because at least with TTC I could convince myself I had some control, by temping or researching protocols, or doing acupuncture. I'm sending you many hugs. I'm sure tomorrow will be better, but today you've earned the right to wallow.
ReplyDeleteBelieve you me... I feel this post completely. There are some days when I feel like I should just stop blogging because I lack some of the vim and vigor I used to have. Luckily for our future kiddos (and unluckily for everyone else) I am stubborn enough to continue.
ReplyDeleteThinking happier-ish thoughts for you today.
I'm so sorry this is an unhappy day. I send a wish out that you may hear soon of your little one.
ReplyDelete(As if to concur that things have been trying for you, my word verification is "harsh". However, I feel that things will be turning around....the harder it is, the more joy you will reap from the moment you know you're a parent, I can only imagine this is going to be true for you. Big hugs.)
Cindy
:( *hug* Hoping you feel better soon. This is a very emotional process, no doubt.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you're blue, dearest. I won't cheerlead, just send lots of love.
ReplyDeleteGIRL, I KNOW. I stopped going to baby showers at one point in the process because I couldn't deal. You know, the showers for people who hadn't even been thinking about getting pregnant when we were already months into the whole adoption world. And had still heard nothing about our baby boy.
ReplyDeleteWhere are those beads of yours? THESE ARE THE TIMES YOU NEED THEM.
I so hear you. Have your day of wallowing. Just don't forget to spoil yourself.
ReplyDeleteSorry I wasn't here earlier, but wanted to send hugs just the same. Love to you, sweetie.
ReplyDelete