It is exactly one year since we submitted our application form for our adoption. Has it really only been a year? Feels much, much longer than that. Maybe that's partly because we actually enquired in April, but they wouldn't let us submit the form until July, after several meetings, so it really is longer than a year. Maybe it's because I've read more stinkin' books on adoption and parenting than I previously knew the universe contained, and I've used up several years worth of brainpower. Maybe it's because, in that time, every single one of my sisters / in law have got pregnant, and we've slipped from 2009 grandchild pole position to somewhere in the midfield, and are losing more ground all the time. I know this shouldn't matter, but it is very hard to buy presents for babies who weren't even conceived, who - as I used to say when I was little - weren't even thought of - when we started this process, even if they are beloved nieces and nephews.
I had hoped, that by now: ---
Oh, who cares what I hoped. It hasn't happened.
I know that one day all of this will change, but today feels like an unhappy anniversary. I look back on how I felt then, and it was mostly still All! So! Exciting! that we were doing this. Now, I just feel like all that has been beaten out of me by the exigencies of this horrible process. Please forgive my day of wallowing, but I really haven't enjoyed seeing my ticker click back around to the beginning again. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day, but today I just feel sad.