Thursday 1 May 2014

So I Called The Adoption Agency Again

Last Tuesday, I called the adoption agency who did our assessment back in 2008. Was that really six years ago? I suppose it was, and I haven't slept properly since. (And I guess that would explain why I recently got told off by a makeup guy in Selfridges for looking like something he found underneath his shoe. I wanted to buy some foundation, but after 'working' on me for a little while, he sighed and said people come here and they expect that a new foundation is going to work some kind of magic. But really, there's nothing foundation can do for you if you have open pores, and fine lines, and an oily T-zone. You don't need a different foundation, you need to take better care of your skin. I was so shocked by his honesty that I bought the foundation. Now that I have it home, I realise that my skin might be terrible - okay, it is - but his foundation isn't all that either. Never trust a man who wears more bronzer than you do, is probably the moral of that story).

Anyway. I didn't call them to schedule another homestudy. I asked to speak to their post-adoption support team (miraculously, they have a post-adoption support team) and told them, as neutrally as I could please help us. Things are really difficult around here and we need some help. 

What do you mean by difficult? the social worker asked, and I told her about what had happened that day - a huge tantrum out of nowhere that I couldn't do anything - anything - to stop - and about how that had come in the middle of a really good period and I feel like the Jekyll / Hyde thing going on around here means that I'm living in fear of my child, in some awful way, and I told her about the hitting and the mood swings and the attachment stuff. What kind of attachment stuff? she asked, and I thought for a minute and said how, if I want to shower (and I do want to shower) I have to choose between using the TV as a babysitter or having a small child stare at me from his seat on the closed lid of toilet, just making sure I don't climb into the plumbing and escape, even though I have showered every morning for four and a half years and every single time, I've come back out of the bathroom, still there, still me and still his mother.

All of this come out in a rush. And I kept saying this probably sounds silly and she would reply no, don't apologise and every second sentence of mine was I need to say that I love my son so much, I love him so much. I just wish he didn't need to stare at him while I'm soaping. 

I didn't say that some days I do want to climb into the plumbing and escape, although I'm pretty sure she knew.

I do love my son so much. More than words can possibly say.

On Friday, the social worker called me back to schedule a meeting with her and me and Jay. She barely said hello before I start talking, and told her - I realised that I forgot to tell you about the spinning. She said do you mean physically spinning? and I said yes and she said oh. Then she said I think I know the kind of thing you mean which was like a rush of oxygen to me because it wasn't just well, boys are like that which I've heard too many times to count.  

I love my son so much, I told  her again. She didn't say anything, which was a shame, because I wanted her to say he sounds amazing. You are so lucky to have such a wonderful son. Because I am lucky, and everybody should know that. He is hilarious and wonderful and so, so affectionate. I adore him.

I suppose this is the main reason it has taken me so long to call and ask for help. I feel like hitting up post adoption support services is saying our family is falling apart, is saying this adoption was a terrible mistake when the truth is, honestly, I love my son so much. (And my daughter, just for the record).

And who wants to be the family who is calling post-adoption support, four and a half years after placement? Nobody, that's who. It just feels kind of dumb. And I've talked to a few people about some of my concerns, but so many people saying that's what boys are like / he'll grow out of it / he's so good every time I see him that I thought maybe I was going crazy. They convinced me that I shouldn't call. And I feel kind of mad at the people who told me those things, because I probably should have called last year, but the truth is, it wasn't their job to decide whether or not my son (and our family) needed some extra support. We're the parents; it's our job. We should have started ignoring them sooner. I got a big push from my sister - an early childhood teacher - who told me I've seen a lot of kids and what you're describing is not normal. You should definitely go and ask somebody for some help. Of course, that made me kind of mad at her - isn't this just a phase? Aren't all boys like this? Are you saying there's something wrong with my precious boy? How dare you!!

And even after this conversation, I still didn't call.

I talked to a friend who is a nurse. She said yeah, you should probably call somebody. I didn't.

And at that point, I realised the other reasons why I really didn't want to call. It's not just that I don't want to believe there's something wrong with my son (although I don't) it's that what I really feared was that they would tell us - me and Jay - there was something wrong with us. After all, I can list the things that my son struggles with but there's a far, far longer list of things I struggle with, things like the yelling and the inconsistency and the amount of TV that they watch and the amount of pasta that they eat and the fact that I filmed one of them hitting the other one, rather than intervening, just so I could ask Jay's opinion about it later, and the fact that they rarely bathe and the fact that sometimes I do want to crawl into the plumbing and escape and the fact that I never bothered to teach them to draw and the fact that we are always, always late and the fact that I get so angry sometimes when he hits me that my vision blurs and that by the end of each day I know I should be chasing them playfully upstairs but instead I'm checking my phone for a text from my husband to say that he's on his way home and he never is, he never is and that's why we never eat meals together as a family either.

All of this sits inside me, weighing on my stomach like a stone. It sucks all of my oxygen away.

Who wants to be the mother who need to call post-adoption support, four and a half years after placement? I feel like hitting up post-adoption services is like saying our family is falling apart, this adoption was a terrible mistake, you never should have let an awful mother like me get these precious, perfect children. 

This sounds over-dramatic, I know, but believe me - when you have children who are showing, errrrm, challenging behaviours, the world does not make you feel like a good mother. The screaming, falling-down tantrum from a child who is too old to be having a screaming, falling-down tantrum does not garner much public sympathy. Sometimes I can feel the thought bubbles floating above people's heads - why doesn't she just - that child should be - mothers these days - why is she letting that child - I know they are thinking these things, because sometimes they say them to my face. Parenting, for me, is a constant exercise in humility. Before I had kids, if I'd seen children behaving the way mine sometimes do, I would definitely have assumed it was the parents' fault. So I can't really be shocked when people assume it is mine.

Is it mine? I don't think it's mine. And this was the decision I had to reach, honestly, before I could pick up the phone and dial. I had to come to a point where I could say I am a good enough mother to ask for help. Although of course, I still fear that they are going to listen to what we have to say, peer at us over their glasses and say I've diagnosed the problem, Mr and Mrs Chapman, and here it is: you have no parenting skills. 

I think where I got stuck was this: I couldn't see any outcome other than you are defective parents or you have a defective child. 

But I love my son so much. He is wonderful, and I know that what we have together is pretty wonderful too, most of the time. I just want some help in knowing how I can be better at helping him, because honestly, he does need some help, and that means we do too.

Now, I'm hoping for a third outcome, although I have no idea what that might look like.

The first meeting is tomorrow. Please let this be a start.

54 comments:

  1. Oh... so hard, so hard. I'm so sorry life/parenting feels like this at the moment. I have no wisdom other than perhaps to suggest (if you haven't already) contacting Mary from Finding Magnolia (who you already have on your blogroll). She is discovering/working through/researching some great and interesting things about therapeutic parenting after trauma which may help with Blue.

    I know Pink and Blue were much younger than Zinashi when they were adopted, and so the consciousness of the loss of their first family is not the same as Zinashi's, but it might just be that, deep in the sub-conscious, they are working through (in different ways) their own responses to loss. Maybe this is this issue with Blue, maybe something entirely different, but the techniques of therapeutic parenting might help either way... I know it's very likely that you've already tried different therapeutic techniques, maybe even have contacted Mary already,so if I'm just saying stuff you already know, apologies.

    Claudia, I'm so, so sorry that things are so hard. I can only imagine how emotionally complex family life feels right now. I've been reading for quite some time and want you to know that you have Christian family around the world (I'm in Australia) praying for you.

    Jesus' blessings, Annalisa

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    1. Thank you so much - what lovely, thoughtful things you have to say. Believe it or not, I actually know Mary in Real Life! (Yep, you can be jealous now). I think what made me decide to call someone, rather than keep reading around the issues myself / change parenting techniques is that I feel we've reached a point where we need some outside guidance. Know what I mean? I have done so much reading and research that I sometimes feel liek we are swimming around in 'therapeutic soup'. I need someone to take a dispassionate look at us from the outside and give us the view that we can't give ourselves. That's the theory, anyway!
      (And thank you SO MUCH for praying for us...we need it all the time, but really feel it more than ever at the moment).

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    2. Me? I liked it much, much better when I thought there was something wrong with ME or my parenting skills (vs my kid).

      Me? I take direction well and if my parenting needed to change, by golly, I'd be changing. I'd find myself the best [whatever expert] needed and be well on my way. Big sigh of relief and, well, the problem would be solved!

      My kid does not take direction well. Nobody can figure out what's wrong or how to fix it.

      Me (or my husband) being the problem would've been SO much easier to fix.

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  2. Is it bad of me to read all of that and then get this tremendous sense of relief because I feel the same way? I'm sorry, that's entire self serving of me, but yes in fact I do. I guess maybe what you can get from my narcissistic amen is that you're not alone. Do you have a friend who also has a kid with some of the similar concerns? I'm thinking as hard as it is to adopt internationally in the UK, that maybe you don't. I have a friend with a little who has many of the same problems as mine. Sometimes it's their SPD, sometimes it's post institutional issues that they can't work through. Like the inability to turn off a tantrum (because of course no one picked them up when they cried, yes I know. It's a horrible injustice that they deal with that lack of ability. It's also utterly maddening to deal with in the now). And sometimes they're just pre-school a-holes because that's what they do at that age. When they do the normal a-hole thing on top of the SPD thing (fill in your own blank) on top of the PI trauma thing, it can be really REALLY hard.

    What we do is send each other texts about the random crazy that happened that day. We are utterly grateful for the children we fought to parent. But they still completely overwhelm us. You wanna be our texty friend? We'll let you in :)

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    1. Is it bad that I read your comment and got a tremendous sense of relief ? ;)

      (And yes, let me join your texting club... you don't mind me waking you up in the middle of your night when I'm having a bad morning, do you? DO YOU?)

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  3. I think it is tremendously brave and responsible that you called. And you have a lot of people cheering you on.

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  4. Your honesty, and courage in the face of hard things is refreshing and beautiful. I am a faithful lurker of your blog, and I wanted to come out to say, ¨You. Are. A. Good. Mom.¨ you do awesome things, and the way you love your babies shows me Jesus. Even on the hard days. We are cheering you guys on!

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    1. Thank you so much, Ruth! That means so much.

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  5. Just so you know - I called for help at 2.5 years post adoption. I could have written your post. Especially the part about being told it was normal or feeling like it is because you can't parent. Like you I kept being falsely reassured/behaviours explained away although I knew in my heart it wasn't... It has helped - I so hope it does you too!

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    1. This is really encouraging - I very much hope we have the same experience.

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  6. So. If you feel like you're such a slacker for waiting four and a half years before asking for help, what would you call me for waiting 7 years???? And when I finally got there and described all of our "issues" to the therapist, at the end of what I thought was an impossibly long list of things that sent off alarm bells for me, she asked me "So, why are you here?"
    :-0
    I thought it was crystal clear but I guess it wasn't. so I said, well, I feel like we have come so far, really, so, so far, but there's this last little bit that
    I. Just. Can't. Fix.
    And she said, I agree with you and off we went.

    I had so many people tell me that "all kids are like that" and it took me so long because I believed if "all kids were truly like that" I should be able to make it better. But I wasn't. Because whatever outward behavior she exhibits? It comes from a different place than "all kids".

    I'm not making sense but what I want to say is that time is not important. What matters is that you have arrived. You see that he needs help and you are going to get it. Because you are a fabulous Mother, not because you suck because you couldn't fix it yourself. Big difference.

    hugs, hugs, and more hugs.

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    1. Infinity hugs to you. xxx You inspire me hugely, L!

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  7. I know that Blue is amazing. I just want to say that, for the record. Because I know about this, the differences that people see and that you see and need to seek help for, which are not really who your child truly is. I've seen your son, and he is lovely and wonderful and everything that you could ever want in a son. I'm glad you made that call.

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    1. Thanks, Mary. He *IS* a sweetheart, isn't he? Although he does still call Elvie 'that baby'.

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    2. If calling Elvie "that baby" is a problem, then I am in trouble. It's my code phrase for when she's gotten into mischief and I expect Jarod to take responsibility for her actions. Perhaps Blue picked it up from me. Yes, I think you should just blame me.

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  8. Oh my. Yes, yes. Our son's school had several big conversations with us, and he was observed and tested by three different people, and I filled out copious surveys, and then they decided he qualifies for an IEP as Emotionally Disturbed. Half of me thought, "No sh-t," and half of me was filled with horror. Because, yes, it sounds to me like either they're finding him lacking or they're finding us lacking. Even though I KNOW they KNOW that it is his messed up past, not him and not us. But again, I also know all the messing up I do, so I feel like it IS my fault, and I should be doing a better job at therapeutic parenting instead of the half-assed job I'm doing.

    If I weren't on those lovely anti-depressants, your post would have made me bawl with recognition.

    You did the right thing. And it was a hard thing. We are all proud of you, and rooting for your family. "When you're going through hell, keep going," as Churchill is alleged to have said.

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    1. They ARE lovely, aren't they? And yes, yes, yes, to those two conflicting halves.

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  9. Brave mama. Bravo! From what I can tell the angsty lead-up to the call is the worst part of it all. There is nothing easy about going it alone.

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  10. There is nothing wrong with admitting that early trauma, hunger, fear has affected your child. Pretending it didn't and letting anyone make you believe it's your fault is like saying it's a parent's fault if their child has autism. Not your parenting. No matter what unhelpful family member or friend implies it. So he's not 100% fine. He needs help and you need help to know what help he needs. So what? This is SO FREAKING NORMAL for your kind of family. You are not alone. Three years of trying to "get help" and I've realized there is no magic bullet. It's a dodgy game, finding the right kind of support. It's like trying to find a unicorn. But Occupational therapy, equine therapy, play therapy, EMDR therapy, diet changes, safety protocols, essential oil gunk, therapeutic parenting techniques, all these things combined do make a difference. None "fix" the fear. That is riding out in a few of the hypothalmuses in this house, but all those things can help in small ways. It's the best we can do. Love to you all. From, your friend with a few not fine kids

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    1. "your kind of family" = kids adopted from scary early trauma. sorry for putting you in a box. but it's my box too. so i am glad we are in it together.

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    2. Ha!!! Yeah, that was the box I thought you meant. Although now you mention it, we probably fit in a few other boxes too... :)

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  11. I'm so glad you made the call and are getting help. This parenting stuff is HARD and there is no shame in reaching out.

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  12. I hope its ok to write to you I just found your blog from one I read and it connected to it. We adopted our son at birth and went through so much of what you write about. Please look into Sensory Processing Disorder/Sensory Integration and talk to your pediatrician about it too. All of the things your writing about are spot on for this. It will require you to take him to an evaluation and OT weekly but you learn techniques to help them with it at home and one you know what your dealing with your life will change. They have You Tube videos about it and you can google it as well. I hope this helps you as I think you may be dealing with this with your child. We went through so much and were blamed on our parenting skills and we knew we were trying everything with our son but once we got this information our life has turned around 100%. Our son was born to a Mom taking substances and we don't know what else so his behavior was very difficult when he turned 18 months, he was aggressive, picky about foods, did not sleep well, had horrible tantrums. I wish we had known about the sensory and we could have helped him and stopped blaming ourselves. Not a lot of social workers know about sensory. Good luck.

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    1. Thanks, Anon - SPD is something I'm very, very keen to look into. We live in the UK so the referral / treatment process is different (and our kids don't have their own paediatricians.... go figure) but we are really hoping that we can find some services that will be able to do an SPD evaluation. Thanks so much for sharing your story.

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  13. The fact that you put aside your fear that it was about you (which it so obviously is not) and are still getting help proves you are the very best kind of mother. Love to your family.

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    1. And much love to you, lovely T - thank you xxx

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  14. Sending a hug. Btw you are the kind of mum i aspire to be. Xx

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    1. You made me tear up when I read this, H!

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  15. ugh. spinning. Solidarity. We've been walking the same road.

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    1. sorry. that didn't sound sympathetic. We're in the week of 8,042 tantrums. And this sounds like I could have written most of it. Except we did look for help at one point, and we didn't receive any, because SPD is not an official diagnosis at our highly scientific institution.

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    2. Oh no, that DID sound empathetic, which is even better than sympathetic. I'm so sorry that you guys haven't been able to get any help. I've heard so many different stories about who is able to get SPD support and who is not - it seems to vary WILDLY by where you live, who your Dr is, etc. I'm so frustrated for you that your people weren't willing to at least give you some kind of support, even if they had to 'umbrella' the diagnosis under something else. I can hear your frustration in your words.

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    3. they were going to umbrella his diagnosis as autism. Which he is clearly not. Sigh. I'm hoping your appointment goes/went well. It's really a tiring road. Kudos to you for calling your adoption agency. We've just been working with our social worker and our doctors. Trying so very hard to fight bitterness. Losing some of the time. Winning a smidgen, now and then.

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  16. Have you had an evaluation done with a OT? SPD is a diagnosis (neurological) and they can put it with something else to get it covered. Spinning is definitely a sign of sensory issues if they love to do it non stop as are extreme tantrums because they cannot express their feelings and are impulsive. There is a book the out of sync child and if you read it and it fits what your child is doing you will know you need help in these areas. You pediatrician should be able to refer you for a OT evaluation if its because of insurance or you can just bring them on your own. Everything you wrote is what we experienced with our son. You have to find a pediatrician or therapist who is very familiar with it.

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  17. So glad you were able to make the call and ask for support. So thankful that you chose to share with us. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  18. oh my friend, I'm so so so so so sorry!

    This reminds me of a conversation D and I had driving down to the "berg" for our holiday this week. I was saying the thing I am DETERMINED to learn from my horrible last year is to trust my instincts more (difficult for an S) because I KNEW two months in it was not for me and I listened and waited too long to try and "make things right" in the company. Then again, now that I know better, I will do better.

    And it is the same for you.

    Don't beat yourself up about waiting 4.5 years. You did it now - that's what counts, ok?

    Also, how is Jay doing with the back and so on.....(the house thing)?

    XXXX

    PS I still want to be a beta reader of your novel!

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    1. Do you know I still haven't read my novel yet? My Dad has read it when he was recovering from surgery but I haven't. May 10 is going to be the big day! When I've got the initial issues sorted out (eg, apparently I've given two people the same name, which was dumb) I would love for you to read it and tell me how to fix all the inevitable plot holes!

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  19. Prayers for you guys with your first meeting tomorrow!

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  20. I often feel like, of course it's my fault- I'm the parent! I'm the only one standing here, and she's acting like that so what else could be going on?
    Having said that, I think the way things are set up makes it even more difficult. We spent months and a ton of money convincing professionals that we would be great parents. Give us this child and angels will sing. Friends wrote letters on our behalf, we interviewed over and over for the home study. We scrubbed our home, and jumped through hoops all to show how good at this we would be. Only to turn around and say, well crap, I guess we fooled you and we kind of suck, come bail us out. It felt like saying we lied!
    But of course, none of that is true. Part of the stigma I guess. Like Scoop said, if she had cerebral palsy we'd be happy to seek physical therapy to help her brain learn to move. Happy there are medications to make her more comfortable or reduce spasms, etc.
    Anyway, I get it. You know you're doing the right thing, but it's hard. All of it.

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    1. Are you saying angels DON'T sing for you? Because gosh, every time I make another pot of pasta I'm hearing the heavenly choir. Or maybe that's just the sleep deprivation.

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  21. I hope your meeting was productive. The thing about waiting to do something is that no matter WHEN you call, you'll think it should have been earlier while at the same time you're not even sure if you should be calling right now. At least that's how we felt about addressing E's eating problems. Now I can look back and realize she had all the signs of her future eating problems the very first time I fed her solid foods. But you think "ah, things are getting better" or "we'll call right after we try this new thing first" and then a year goes by and the problem isn't any better (but you still wonder if it's really a problem they'll just outgrow and maybe you shouldn't be worrying so much about it?) Anyway, I'm glad you called and I hope you get some support.

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    1. ...and then a year goes by and the problem isn't any better (but you still wonder if it's really a problem they'll just outgrow and maybe you shouldn't be worrying so much about it?)

      YES YES YES! THAT!

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  22. Our Z has been home 3 years and just had his first play therapy appointment last week. My homework from the therapist (who I know very well because he's been working with one of our other not-adopted kids... yeah. anyway.) was to research Reactive Attachment Disorder and "see what I think." I am one of those nerds who loves homework, but this assignment was no fun at all.

    All that to say... good for you for calling. I am hoping along with you that this is a start.

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    1. Oh H, that sounds so hard. "See what you think?" Uhhhhh... is that one of those questions that isn't really a question? Thinking of you, H. Please let us know what is happening.

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  23. Claudia I've followed your blog for a while and never commented. Our son was adopted at 13 months from Haiti (post-earthquake 2010) and we had crazy issues for a couple of years. After referrals here and referrals there we finally got a referral to Pediatric Assessment Services at our local Rehab hospital and finally a diagnosis...our son has Autism Spectrum Disorder!! Wow...it was on one had hard to hear that our son has a disability, however on the other hand we were thanking God that finally we had some answers and explanation for the whirlwind we had been living. Now that we have a diagnosis, we have support in working with his special needs and an understanding of why he does some of the behaviours that we didn't understand before. So good luck to you and your sweet boy and I hope you are able to find the answers you need so that you can move forward as a family. All the best! Heidi

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  24. Another new commenter - my ds, adopted at 11 mos from an orphanage in Cambodia, went through a similar pattern of tantrums, velcro-sticking-to-me, and running in circles around me (almost herding). It took me a few months to figure out that it all started after he found my husband passed out on the floor one morning (high fever, he's fine). There was something in his 3 year old brain that clicked - his past loss, and now the potential for new loss... oh boy, it was a rough patch. Of course, I bring this up because of the medical issues in your house and the timing of this post.

    I hope your meeting is fruitful.

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  25. It must be really hard to fear that people might question the incredible love you have for your son just because you realize your family needs some help. Bravo to you for taking the difficult step of asking for help - that was surely not easy for you. I am thinking about all of you and hoping you find some helpful guidance soon.

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  26. I hope it went well, and I hope you have copped on professionals to work with. So much of this sounds so familiar.

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  27. Claudia
    I just found your blog via a link to the Frozen post (and yes I so relate). I have a 7year old adopted from China and live here in the UK. Haven't had the issues you describe but I have a number of friends with kids with SPD (bio and adopted) who have very successfully used OT to help. My bio older daughter had OT for 2 years for a balance issue. It isn't covered (or for us wasn't) by private insurance so if you can get it on the NHS do try as it certainly isn't cheap. But it has worked really well for them. Very happy to chat or put you in touch with them.

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Over to you!