Tuesday 20 March 2012

Something That Other People Do


I sometimes find myself in a social situation where I need to say, politely,  "I'm not sure I agree with what you just said about that ethnic group".  In my head, this feels like a non-confrontational way to get a conversation going that doesn't use the R-word - racist - but it never seems to work as well as I hoped.  Here is how those conversations go for me.

When I say: "I'm not sure I agree with what you just said about that ethnic group" it seems that most people hear I think you are a bad person. I hate you and your whole ugly family. And then they get angry, and then they aren't listening to anything else I say and then we're both angry and I wish I'd never opened my mouth, even though I knew that I really needed to say something.

A comment about what you said is heard as a judgement on what you are. I think this happens because, as a society, we've tied ourselves into a big ugly knot when it comes to talking about race and racism. We've made racism such a huge taboo that we've set up the following logic chain within people's heads:
  1. Racism is really, really bad
  2. Therefore only bad people are racist
  3. I am not a bad person
  4. Therefore I cannot possibly be racist. 
Racism is such a big ugly word, such an unforgivable sin, that I think it's only ever conceptualised as something that other people do; bad people, people who aren't like me. I think this means that most people can't even consider the possibility that something they have said might be racist, or on the path towards it. The way they think about themselves just can't allow for this possibility.

I think this is incredibly unhelpful. I find this tricky because hey! Racism is bad! But I think we're all predisposed towards it, too, and I think that our failure to admit this to ourselves, to each other, makes dealing with the issue as a society worse, not better. After all, how can we address a problem in our attitudes if we won't admit it exists? It's much easier to shunt the problem to the sidelines, as an issue that only members of the KKK or people who shoot innocent teenagers or people who shoot Jewish schoolchildren need to deal with. Much less constructive, but much, much easier.

Admitting the alternative - that I have a problem with this too - is far from easy. It was a big deal for me to realise that I, personally, struggle with racial prejudice. I mean I struggle personally. I mean that I find it easier to assume good things about people who look like me. I mean that I am prone to leap to conclusions about groups of people based on stereotypes. I mean that I am working on all of this and I've come a long long way but it does take work. I mean that I wasn't born with an attitude that truly sees all people as equal, that never gravitates towards people because they remind me of myself.

I don't think any child is born with this attitude; not really. Children start to 'sort' from when they are very young. They don't know about race but they can see skin shades and they aren't stupid; of course they use it as a sorting tool, as a way of determining who 'belongs' and of course they are sometimes unkind about it and sometimes downright horrible. Why does this surprise us? Why would we expect that kids would get this right? People who think that children are pure and know no evil - have you ever met a child? Children do a whole lot of stuff that I wouldn't want to see in an adult: tantrums, hitting, biting and a whole lot of  smearing vegetables in their hair. Our job as adults is to take all of their baser instincts, face them head on,  and guide them towards being the kind of adults that we want in society. This includes being adults who have learned to see people for their whole selves - including ethnicity and skin - but not define them solely by it. It also includes not telling the world when you are about to poop, but that one is a long way off in our house.


It seems to me that racism is the ugly flip-side of the desire to belong. Humans want to be part of a group, and that's a good desire. But wanting to define my group too easily turns into defining those who are not in my group: not liked, not welcome, not equal. Excluding one group of people fosters a feeling of belonging in those who are included. Children love this, and adults often love it too. Stretching one's definition of belonging to include people who dress differently from me, look different and speak differently is not automatic. If it was automatic for you, if it never, ever feels like an issue - well, good for you. That must be nice.

And I think you're probably lying.

But I feel like this lie is what we all should be saying; anything else leads to much clutching of pearls. It's that only-bad-people-are-racist thing again. (Did you hear her admit that she doesn't always love people who are different? That she is raaaaaaaaaaaacist? And her with those two precious brown children!)  If I'm honest, I find it kind of odd. After all, admitting that we all tend towards racial prejudice doesn't mean it's okay. Far from it. It's like selfishness or greed or envy or any one of the other awful things that we humans do which come naturally to us. I am ashamed of how far I still have to go in dealing with this, but I'm not ashamed to talk about it. Again -  how can I possibly work on something if I won't admit that it's there?

(It's probably worth saying at this point that yes, I think we are probably all the same on the inside when it comes to this issue. I don't think that Black people, or Hispanic people, or Asian people are any 'better' than White people. I don't think they are made of different stuff.  I don't think their almond or cocoa or copper hearts are any purer than my peachy-pink heart, even though it's us peachy-pink ones who benefit from most of the power structures that are in place in the West. I'm sure that people of all shades have their own heart issues to work on. But in a way, that's none of my business. It's vanilla-flavoured racism I need to deal with because I am White). 


And I am dealing with it. My thoughts and attitudes have changed immeasurably over the last few years, and I'm nothing but glad about that. The irony, of course, is that when I knew absolutely nothing, I thought I knew everything. I thought I had nothing of which to repent. And now that I know a bit more, I realise how far I have to go.

Being racist isn't about being a good person or a bad person. That's not how it works. It's too serious an issue to pretend that it's something that other people do, something that only bad people need to deal with. I still don't know how to talk about this issue with people who are still at the 'denial' stage, but maybe I need to work on being more open about how I think this is actually something that affects all of us; including me; especially me.

So. My name is Claudia (well, okay, actually it's not) and I struggle with racial prejudice. And I bet you do too. And I would love to reach a point where one of us would be able to say to the other "I'm not sure I agree with that generalisation about that group of people" and for the other to then say  "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I was being prejudiced. Thanks for calling me out; I need to work on that". And then the first person would say "Any time; and by the way, I think your family is very good-looking" and we would high-five each other and go on our way.

A girl can dream, right?

25 comments:

  1. EXCELLENT POST! I have been thinking very similar things lately. We all fall short in this category but hate to admit to it due to the stigma. Thanks for expressing this all so clearly.

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    1. and.... you pretty much said in one sentence what I was trying to say with this whole post :)

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  2. So funny you wrote about this today, Love Isn't Enough has a post about exactly this.
    Anne

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    1. Okay, that is WEIRD! I just went and read the post and now I'm totally freaked out! It's not like I thought any of this was new, but the synchronicity is, to be honest, creeping me out a little bit. Crazy.

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  3. well said. i'm with you in your dream.

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  4. I think about these things a lot on the bus, when I am judging others for not being like me. I also fall into the trap of classifying people within their race. For example, I find myself thinking that I would like my daughter to embrace certain things about Black culture, but not others, and I tend to see different people as good examples for her based on what type of person I consider them to be. (Educated versus not educated, for example.) This has been the biggest thing I've had to tackle as a White mother of a Black child, and I still struggle with it. I want her to be proud of her culture and embrace her race, but not be "too ghetto." What does that even MEAN? Too ghetto? Maybe I'm "too stuck up." My name is Mary, and I struggle with racism AND classism.

    By the way, if you want to really grapple with some of these issues while enjoying a novel, read The Girl Who Fell From the Sky. I've been meaning to post about it, but haven't managed yet because I'm still sorting through my thoughts. It's a quick read. It made me think, "Why did I bring my child to America? She is going to encounter direct, blatant, horrible racism, which she would not have encountered in her home country, and it's all because of me!" I bet that really makes you want to read it, right?

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    1. Oh yeah, now I can't WAIT, mary, thanks!!! Actually - that book was on my 'to read' list ages ago, but then I forgot about it totally. Thanks for the reminder!

      Oh, and yeah - it's incredible, isn't it, how once you start to think about your own prejudices you realise just HOW many you have and HOW ugly they are. **Head in hands**

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  5. Love this post. I have all sorts of these thoughts rattling around in my brain, but definitely don't have enough clarity to make sense of them (yet).

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  6. Interesting...I've been pondering a post that isn't entirely different from yours, Claudia. I'm thinking more and more about this because my kids (two black, one white) are starting to talk about skin colour, differences, etc etc etc. And I'm realizing that I'm a little out of my league, especially in some situations (where my black son make a not-nice comment about another person of colour, for example, and the comment was ABOUT the other person's colour). It's hard, in our society where we're supposed to be so politically correct, to simply acknowledge our own biases and prejudices and generalizations - so that we can then deal with them. And then we come to the whole issue of how to raise our children and guide them along this path that feels pretty bumpy. I'm glad you've started the conversation!

    Blessings,

    Ruth

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    1. oooh, can't wait to read what you write about this! And by the way, I would love to meet the person who is NOT out of their league in that situation :)

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  7. Thank you so much for this post, and for airing this idea. It has been on my mind, I've been noticing my own racial prejudices, noticing that I have them, and trying to see past them. But it's hard to talk to people about this, because it is *such* a touchy subject. So thanks for starting the discussion. Your post really made me think.

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    1. I totally agree! It's really hard to actually talk about this stuff - it's so easy to get offended, and so easy to offend. It's got to be done, but it's far from easy!

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  8. Thank you for this post Claudia. My name is Leo, and I struggle with racial prejudice. I have been a lurker for a year or two. THANKS for all your posts, you are an amazing writer, and wonderful person and your blog is a god to for me most days that I do go read blogs :) I wanted to share a really good book about color and racial awareness and categorizing of children from infancy to teenage years, that I'm sure many people have heard of and read, but just in case they haven't, is a must read for all, and I hope our educators do as well: "I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla - Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children In a Race Conscious World" by Marguerite A. Wright. I read it right after my daughter came home as a baby, and have recently read it again as she is reaching the age of active exlusion and inclusion and added awareness. I am so glad I read it again. I will read it again soon I'm and as she grows older through the different developmental stages. It is not the only book I have read, however it has touched my most profoundly. If you have any books to recommend, I would so love to hear which ones! Also, I hope this posts as I am trying to post it with the AIM profile instead of anonymous. (argh, didn't work, so I'm posting as annymous) Leo

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    1. Leo, thanks for saying hi! And thanks so much for the reminder about that book. I read it while we were waiting for our kids, but I haven't read it recently - I should certainly do so again! I suspect that it's going to hvae a whole lot more layers now that I actually have a kid in the house! (And don't you HATE the way the profiles never work properly!)

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  9. There's probably a few people out there who will respond the way you hope. As for the rest - &%$# 'em. Say it anyway. Later, when they're back at home and you're not in front of them and they don't feel the need to defend themselves, they may actually ponder a bit and realize you have a point. Or not. Or only to a degree. At the very least, it's a signal to them not to dump their ugly crap on YOUR feet next time you have a conversation, and if you can't change someone's mind, the next best thing is shutting them up.

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  10. Yup, I struggle with it too and I think I am a fairly inclusive person but I do sometimes judge others by their race....and it should be talked about...wouldn't that just ease all the racial "tension" then.

    As always, you are fabulous!

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  11. Great post.

    I don't think this is true of just racism; so many people today seem unable to differentiate between who a person is, and what a person thinks or does. It's all the same. Because of it, no one can handle the possibility of being wrong, or the invitation to reconsider something. We all have prejudices and biases and the first step is awareness. But you can't force this awareness on others, which stinks :-)

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    1. you sure can't! Most days I can barely force it on myself :-)

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  12. Ridiculously thoughtful/insightful post ... as usual!

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  13. I struggle most when I am in the zone of stereo-typing. Because I KNOW some generalizations are true, and some are funny (and you know I love anything funny).
    Are all generalizations bigotry?
    And I am using the word bigotry instead of racism because my own biases often have to do with religion or political affiliation or regionalism. I am way too superior to have any preconceived notions based on "race" or skin-color or national origin.

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    1. Well.... OBVIOUSLY. When I said 'other people', SFM, clearly I didn't mean YOU. Heh.

      And as for the generalisations... ugh, I hope not. But when do they become bigotry? I find it really hard to know where that line is. Want to write about it? Please?

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  14. I find I have to call myself out on this a lot. I keep thinking, "What if someone thought this about my kids?" That changes my attitude really quickly. It is work, good work. Thanks for always getting tough discussions going.

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    1. OH YEAH. That one works really fast, huh Evelyn?????

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  15. "The irony, of course, is that when I knew absolutely nothing, I thought I knew everything. I thought I had nothing of which to repent. And now that I know a bit more, I realise how far I have to go." Amen.

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Over to you!