We have our panel date tomorrow. Yes, really, tomorrow.
I mostly feel quite calm, and then huge waves of nauseous panic overtake me. I don't even really know what I'm panicked about, just that it feels like a weird combination of nerves and excitement. I'm excited because this time tomorrow we might be APPROVED - finally - but the nerves? I don't think they are just because I'm worried we might not be approved (though of course I am worried about that). It's also because if we are approved, we then have to do all the 'telling', and to be honest, I'm nervous. I'm nervous that people will ask really nosy questions about all the 'whys' that I won't know how to answer, or that they won't be interested at all, or that they'll think it's not a big deal, when it feels like a HUGE BIG ENORMOUS DEAL to me, or someone will say the a sentence with the words 'Angelina Jolie' in it, or people will think that we're trying to save a child, or not realise how much of my heart I have poured into this process (and how could they realise?), or make jokes about how all their husband has to do is LOOK at them and they get pregnant, as if that's somehow relevant, or not mention our news at all as if adoption is something to be ashamed of, or tell us not to worry because we'll have 'one of our own' as soon as we adopt or be offended that we didn't tell them sooner or any of the other things that are multiplying like rabbits in my fevered imagination.
And suddenly, if all goes well, it will be REAL. In this stage, now, we still might not be approved and it's all 'if'. But if tomorrow is successful I get to start saying 'WHEN we adopt' without loading the sentence with eighty-four qualifiers, and it will mostly be a matter of waiting for bureaucracy rather than being personally judged and then at the end of it someone is going to be expecting me to LOOK AFTER A BABY and is it too late to withdraw our application?
If that all seems confused, imagine what it's like being inside my head right now. Please think of me at 11.45 am Greenwich Mean Time tomorrow!!