So, today I'm twenty nine.
I think this is when I finally need to accept that we are not going to have a baby by the time I am thirty.
And yet. I need to remember how fortunate I am that I have had twenty nine years of life. Sometimes I think about my DNA, and I cannot wrap my head around the fact that every single cell in my body is programmed wrongly. Genetic problems are the ultimate in incurable medical issues - unless you want to replace every single strand of DNA in my body, nothing is going to change. Of course, the good thing about this is that nobody can offer me stupid home remedies. 'Oh, have you tried green tea? Or koji berries? Or cutting out dairy? Apparently that is REALLY GOOD at re-programming your genetic code'. No, I don't think so. So sometimes I feel really sad when it hits me yet again that nothing in the world is going to be able to fix this and I am never, ever going to be able to do the uncomplicated pregnancy thing that everyone around me seems to be doing.
And yet. On the other hand, isn't it incredible that I'm alive? All that wonky DNA, and no health problems. I might be a dead-end twig on my genetic family tree, but actually, I'm fine. Phenotpyically, there is nothing wrong with me at all and if it wasn't for Mr Crick and Mr Watson, I would never have known there was an issue. And I should be really, really grateful for this. I'm only going to have a finite number of birthdays. Nobody knows what number that will be. Sometimes it's so easy to see the things I want, and don't have, that I forget how greatly I've been blessed, and what future promises I have to look forward to.
Three verses that seem appropriate:
For now, I should be learning this:
"Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."- Psalm 90:12 (NIV)
When I feel tired of waiting, I should be thinking about this:
"My times are in His hand" Psalm 31:15
And when it all feels too much, I need to remember this:
"and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away." Revelation 21:4