So, yesterday we had lunch with friends and found out that she is 16 weeks pregnant with baby #2. Each time this happens, I tell myself 'this time, this time it's not going to upset me. I'm going to congratulate them sensibly, and NOT go home and cry'. One day I hope to actually be able to follow this resolution through.
I can't dress it up as anything else - my problem here is envy, plain and simple. I'm not envious of their boring white baby, but I'm envious of the fact that they didn't have to ask anybody's permission to have it, and nobody came and sat at their house for ten visits and made them write a stupid essay about their personality. I'm envious about the fact that they get to keep their family planning private, but we can't because we needed them to be referees. I'm envious of the fact that this baby was conceived AFTER we applied, but will be almost six months along by the time we're even approved - oh yeah, IF we're approved - and will probably be in college by the time we actually bring a baby home. And while we're on THAT topic, I'm envious - hugely, ridiculously so - of their due date, which means they know, at least to within a few weeks, when they will be parents again. Oh, and I'm envious of the fact that they know what age the darn baby will be when they get it home. And envious of the fact that the baby won't need to learn to be attached to them, but will already know its mothers smell and voice. Most of all, I'm envious, so much that I can hardly see straight, that all they had to do to get that baby in there was have sex.
I am so sick of this. I'm sick of having no control over what should be the most adult decision of our lives. I'm sick of hating myself for the way I react to things, and I'm sick of crying about this while I'm at work. I'm sick of whining about it.I'm sick of being reminded that I need to learn to rejoice with those who rejoice, when all I want to do is slap them. I'm sick of dreading Christmas. I'm sick of doubting myself, and wondering if I can ever be a good parent to an adopted child when the adoption process makes me SO ANGRY. It hasn't been a very good day.
Oh....I hear your heart and your pain....I wish I could sip my coffee and you your smoothie together face to face today and share our hearts. I found myself many times this past year hurting and saying, "God, this is not fair." I wondered why it had to be so hard for us to have a child. It has taken a lot of wrestling with God over what I want and what He is giving instead. I have walked through some hard months and times when all I could feel was the grief (despite wanting to be joyful for friends)...in those days I grieved so deeply. One day I was starting to cry at work and I heard God's voice speak in that gentle way in my mind/heart..."I am not punishing you. I am not trying to give you the raw end of the deal. I want you to be parents of children who don't have any. If you were pregnant right now that wouldn't be happening and I am using you to love the fatherless and your adopted children will be a blessing to you." It was healing for my heart. Looking back those deep times of grief have been molding me to be an adoptive mom, partly because I understand pain and loss and our child most likely will too. And more importantly, I have had to cling to Jesus when I was so hurt, angry and confused...I am praying this morning you will Know God leading you through the grief, that His Spirit will carry you and His word will minister to you. I pray you will know the voice of God speaking to you...words that Only He can speak...words that will be specific to you. Words and love that will lead you to life. I know God is using this struggle to make you more like His Son and to prepare you to be mom to the children He has planned for you.
ReplyDeleteAn older adoptive mom told me that the pain of infertility be present in different ways in her life. However, she said once she received the blessing of her children, there was healing in her heart. Know that you are loved and cared for and that you are being supported in prayer as you walk this long road and as you wait. It is so hard!!! Praying the words in Isaiah 40 for you.
with much love,
Anna
I wish I could come up with something inspiring, life-changing, motivating. Instead, all I can say is that you are not alone.
ReplyDeleteYOU. Are not. Alone.
This agony, this pain, this confusion- it eases. And then something comes along that brings it right back up to the surface. Then it eases again. Then it hurts again (but perhaps not as intensely as it did the previous time). Then it eases. Hurts. Eases.
My advice? Continue writing about it, sharing it. One of the hardest parts about this infertility game is feeling alone in a community of pregnant women. I know. I know, I know, I know.
But we keep breathing. And we keep moving forward. And we hold tight to the simple fact that it
will ease. It will.
Peace and love to you....
How can I say thank you for these heartfelt comments? Just that - I'm crying like a baby, again, but this time - in a good way.
ReplyDeleteI loved reading Courtney Rose's commment. We are not alone. There is encouragement in our shared journey. Even reading those reads brings peace to me. It is so true that so often we feel alone in this journey. I am glad we are NOT alone.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad to know you and to share each others burdens in love and prayer. I keep thinking about you Caroline today. You keep coming to my heart and mind. I keep whispering prayers for you...
Much love to you today!
Courtney Rose is a wise, tender soul: I know. I've had the chance to spend a whole weekend with her, sitting on the couch talking until wee hours like teenagers. She is right. You aren't alone. I wish I could just hug you right now. Your blogging friends are here.
ReplyDeleteHi Caroline,
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your post, my heart is hurting for you. I don't think I have ever posted about this, but the reason that we are adopting is because I have endometriosis. I had a hysterectomy when I was 27 due to chronic pain that had been ongoing for 5 years. I remember so clearly how every time one of my siblings called to tell me they were expecting, it was like a knife in my heart. I was very happy for them, and the prospect of a new niece/nephew, but I hurt so much for myself. It was so easy for them!! And my heart screamed, "NOT FAIR!". It took so long to heal. Going through the adoption process has helped with that process a lot. This is not to say I don't still have my moments because I do.(I had to go to a new parent class and was the only non-pregnant woman in the room. I wanted to die.)But it feels so different now, and it does not even hurt when someone tells me they are pregnant. Hang in there, write about it, and let yourself cry as much as you want, whenever you want. I am a big believer that tears heal in a way nothing else does. So many hugs, my friend.
Huge hugs, Caroline. I don't see it as envy, but as grief. Grief for the pregnancy you will not expereince. Grief for missing out on parts of your baby's life. Grief of just not knowing what is around the next corner.
ReplyDeleteFeel all the anger you need to and get it out whenever you need to. Grief is a long and unpredictable process. We're here to listen and walk with you.
Hey, I wanted to apologize for not being here more. I thought you were in my google reader, but was looking for your blog and realized it wasn't there. It is now. (;
Hi Caroline - thanks for the comment on my blog. I enjoy meeting fellow bloggers with similar interests as mine such as adoption.
ReplyDeleteI read your post and agree with the others. You are not alone. I admire your honesty as I don't have the guts to admit how I feel (which is similar to you) on my blog. I too struggled with infertility which is why we decided to adopt. I can say that I feel God had a plan for us which included Maya. I can't imagine my life without her in it.
If you ever want to chat about adoption, Ethiopia, and/or infertility - please let me know.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Theresa
Aw. Gosh, I wish I had some good words to type right now to help. Just know that you are not alone and we, at least, are out here gladly hearing you vent. Hope it helps in some small way.
ReplyDeleteCindy
Hmmmm...I know...I feel this way often too...actually went on a rant on the way back from Thanksgiving - "it isn't fair, we have to have medical exams, and social workers, and locks, and people get to judge us, and no one, NO ONE asks these other people "hey how are you going to screw up your kids," please let me pry into your lives and financial records to see if we deem you worthy"
ReplyDeleteThe rant goes something like that...but for much longer, usually, until this last time and dear husband just interrupted me and said "stop, some people may need it, we don't and it is not that big of a deal." I felt calmer afterwards...but still justified about this rant, because I still feel that way...I don't want to jump through all these hoops, why can't it be like the movies and someone leaves a baby in a basket on my doorstep...oh, cause that would be fantasy - and this, this is NO fantasy, this is real life...this is real life adoption...this is harder, but I think we are going to be much better for it...
I guess I am not one of those calm supportive commenters...perhaps this is because I received 3 different emails today from other women complaining about cramps and "at least I am not pregnant..."
See this is why I wasn't going to comment...now I have spent too much effort to not post it...oh well...