Tuesday 23 April 2013

For / Against

So there's another book about adoption doing the rounds.  I haven't read it yet, but I probably will, armed with a stack of those little post-it flags to write notes on the bits that annoy me. (What can I say? I'm easily annoyed - you should see all the flags sticking out of my copy of 'Adopted for Life'. Actually, I think I might keep these two books next to each other on my adoption shelf and see if the friction between them causes some kind of a nuclear explosion).

All the blog comment about this new book made me think about something.

There's some really great, complex comment out there but why do some people feel the need to be 'pro' adoption or 'anti' adoption?

I can't help thinking that being 'for' or 'against' adoption is about as meaningful as being 'for' or 'against' sex. Sometimes it's a great thing, sometimes it's a terrible thing - it's all about the context.

I'm afraid that when someone tells me that they 'love adoption' or 'despise adoption', all I hear is 'I am incapable of nuanced thought!' Dude. Sometimes it's a great thing, but sometimes it's a terrible thing. How can you be for or against it?

Is the desire to be 'for' or 'against' something partly appealing because it gives us a chance to be on a team, to be on the winning side? After all, I can't win an argument if I'm not having one, and dangit, I love winning arguments.

Back to the book: I know enough about publishing to know that non-fiction books need to have a 'big idea'. They have to have an angle. More Christians should adopt, for example, or Too many Christians are heedlessly adopting for another. That's something that the public can agree or disagree with; that's the kind of thing that will get you on to NPR. Books like this have to validate us or annoy us or we won't buy them - there's very little market for books that say meh, here are a few different angles, now make up your own mind'.

But our minds are not books. They are not for sale. We don't have to have an angle; we don't have to be for or against anything, except maybe genocide, or bananas (I'm against both, just for the record). We can leave room for nuance, if our own drama addiction will let us.

So I'm not For or Against adoption, and I don't think you should be either. Sometimes it's a great thing. Sometimes it's a terrible thing.

It's all about the context.


********

Speaking of context, here's a reminder that I have a hundred or so of my favourite links about all kinds of adoption stuff here, under Adoption 101. 

********

And a bit of personal context: having said all that, I'm going to add that I should be on a plane right now, rather than sitting here in my PJs blogging.  Long story short: yesterday, Jay had to have surgery! For appendicitis! Do I sound a little hysterical? I am. 

Yesterday, Jay woke up with severe abdominal pain. Two doctors, three phone calls to our travel insurers and an ultrasound later we were sitting in a hospital ward, waiting for a doctor to cut him open and snip him up. I'm super, super grateful for good healthcare here, for travel insurance, for the fact that this didn't happen while we were on the plane, for the fact that my parents are continuing to be so gracious and hospitable and also the fact that I got to eat barbeque chicken pizza tonight instead of disgusting plane food. 

However. 

On Saturday, it was my cousin's wedding, and we all had a really great time. Think barefoot beach wedding on an island in perfect sunshine. Think happy bride and besotted groom. Think great food and fun people. Think cake. As the night was winding down, though, I was talking to one of my aunts about our plans to go home and I realised that I was so homesick I was about to start crying. It's okay, I told myself, home soon. Little did I know. I've been pacing myself, and now I find out that my pacing was wrong. Abdominal surgery is a big deal, obviously, and it's likely to be at least a week before we can return. And then when we do, everything is going to be totally upside down because we will be even further behind with work and we'll have a hundred things to do to catch up. 

I've hardly told anybody that we are still here. I can't bear to do all the goodbyes again. 

First world problems. I know. In other places on earth, if he had got appendicitis yesterday morning he would probably be dead by now. Instead, he was out of surgery by midnight, groggy and in pain but on the way back to his usual self. When he woke up, he thought he was Daniel Craig, which was almost funny enough to make the whole thing worth it. 

This afternoon, Jay and I got half an hour alone and I'm afraid to say that I sat down in the hard hospital chair beside him and cried all over his shins. I have found the last few days really really hard - especially coping with the children - I would totally suck in any kind of a real crisis. The children and I went to visit him this morning and it wasn't great. The children's dysregulation has not been helped by a busy wedding weekend and then having their father hospitalised. Also, they have discovered convenience food and boy, isn't that the gift that keeps on giving at a time when they are already climbing the walls. On ferries, in cars, in hospitals it seems that cheesesticks and chips go down a whole lot better than sliced-up apple and raisins. On the way back from the hospital today, Pink was whining about being hungry. (And yes, I do mean whining. When she's really hungry, it sounds totally different).  I called her bluff by saying that she didn't need to worry, we'd be having lunch soon. She was not impressed, and started yelling. I told her it was nearly time for sandwiches. 

No! She roared. I don't want sandwiches! I want something in a PACKET! 

Ahhhh. Of course, I was horrified. And of course, I immediately felt like a hypocrite because hey, I ate three packets of Twisties while I was waiting for Jay's surgery yesterday. We got home and she howled and he howled and then they started hitting each other and I have no idea when we are going home and it all feels like a hot mess. 

When I left Jay at the hospital this afternoon, he grinnned at me and said This place is great! It's so peaceful here! I guess that could have been the Oxycodone talking, but it was a cheap shot and that's why I'm posting this picture of him, pre-surgery, on the internet: 

The lilac surgical gown suits you, sweetie. Very manly. 

Anyway. I think I've found something else to add to my genocide-banana axis. Appendicitis. If today and yesterday are anything to go by, I am Definitely. Against. Appendicitis.

35 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. So sorry about your husband. I hope he's feeling better soon, and the kids are good, and all the rest of the things you hope for too.

    As for the book, I've just started reading it and so far I would describe it as a journalist's view on the increase in international adoption. She makes the claim that a shift towards "orphan care" in some evangelical Christian communities has lead to an increase in international adoption that has repercussions for all involved in international adoption, Christian or not. (In my extrapolation of that idea, it is analogous to the impact Wal-Mart's decision to enter the grocery business has had on products available at all grocery stores. Whether or not you shop at Wal-Mart, the buying decisions of the company can impact supplying firms' decisions to produce a product. So, regardless of where you shop, Wal-mart has had an impact on the availability of products for everyone.) She also provides examples of people who take a simplistic, un-nuanced view of "orphan care" that has some serious and negative impacts on children and their bio-families. So far the book, like adoption, is too complex to say definitively it is ‘good’ or ‘bad.’

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    1. Thanks for the extra info! In that case, I'm probably not going to need so many of my little flags. Odd choicee of title, in that case - it seems so inflammatory!

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  3. I think it is very easy to identify as being against unethical adoptions and against adoptions where the parents abuse (or kill) their adopted children. Very easy. I don't think it is as simple or a black and white for or against as some think - and the push back of any "ugly" in adoption - the defensive knee jerk reactions HAS to stop. Of course, the easy answer is to DO it right in the first place...

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  4. This is amazing. I had never heard of this book before today and then at work I heard the author interviewed on the radio. I was fascinated and so downloaded the book onto my kindle on the train on the way home. I got home and here you are discussing it. That is freaky weird.

    I will reserve my comment about the book until I finish it.

    So, so, so sorry about the kids and the dysregulation (been there, done that) and the husband and the surgery and all of it. Hang on my friend. Sending you a boatlaod of strength to get through the rest of it.

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  5. Love this and you, of course.

    And of course you're right about adoption as well.

    Praying for your handsome-in-lilac man, but-if I may be so bold-praying more for you. You don't get oxi and the promise of a quiet room.

    Hugs

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  6. Oh man, I probably sound like a weirdo for saying this, but don't you kinda wish it was your appendix so you could lay in bed for a few days and watch TV in peace?? Am I the only one who fantasizes about this kind of stuff??

    Anyone?

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    1. CONSTANTLY. I fantasise about that kind of stuff constantly. And from the smug look on Jay's face when I left him there yesterday, it's as good as I suspected.

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  7. Aren't you supposed to be sleeping? I am against brussel sprouts and all forms of animal abuse. Also, those people who leave more than five feet between their front bumper and the back bumper of the car in front of them while stopped at a light. I am really, really against those people.

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    1. Oooh, good call. Adding those things to my list.

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    2. Hey. I do that. What's wrong with that?

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    3. eeeke, I mean I leave more than five feet between my front bumper and the car in front of me. I *DO NOT* abuse animals. sheesh. I should have reread my comment before I posted it.

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  8. Hospitalized hubby, two dysregulated preschoolers who have just discovered food in packets, away from home... luv, I think you're on your way to a purple heart in motherhood. The food in packets completely sends it over the top. I am against food in packets. For children. Ahem. Because as everyone knows, there some foods that make you stop growing any taller immediately for ever if you eat them so you can't have them until you are an adult and not going to grow any taller. And if it cheers you at all, my son stopped in front of mini-mart 15 minutes after having some fruit for a snack and began screaming and sobbing 'Oh please, mommy, I so hungry, please get me food, mommy I need food, pleeeeease, foooood, etc, etc.' And yes, we had an audience. So, down with food in packets. For children. But not for you.

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    1. Purple heart! I love it. When we finally get home, and get out the crayons, I am totally getting those children to make me a purple heart. Remind me please!

      (and ugh. So sorry you've got that food stuff going on too. Interesting to me particularly because I think that D is as much of a fussy eater as mine. Being denied a food they actually LIKE seems to get them somewhere extra-deep-down).

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  9. Hang in there!!! And good on you for posting his pic. It's lovely!

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    1. Thanks Andy! I really like it. He will not, but ehhh.

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  10. Oh, I am so sorry about Jay's appendicitis and the children being dysregulated and being stuck away from home for an extra week and...all of it. I hope he heals super quick so you can throw him on a plane, throw the kids in their seats with headphones on and movies playing, and get home. It all sounds horrid, and it would make me want to eat about twelve packets of something involving chocolate.

    Also, when it comes to being for or against adoption: you hit the nail on the head. I'm hoping to read that book, but not until I finish the book I was trying to read when I was struck with food poisoning in Kansas City. Which reminds me that I am against food poisoning. I am also against volleyball.

    I hope the time flies until you get home and that catching up on work happens more smoothly than anticipated.

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    1. OH man, food poisoning? That stuff is the PITS. And it doesn't come with a week of bed rest. UGH.

      And also - volleyball. I could not agree more. My high school was a specialist volleyball high school and those kids ruled the school. Down with volleyball!!!

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  11. *huuuuug* sending you a great big hug, laughter (because you always make me laugh...even in the midst of frustrations and upsets) some tears (cos, goodness, what a few days you've had!), chocolate & lady grey tea. Hoping (even although they're virtual) they'll help a little. And will pray. Off to creep into my bedroom while everyone is asleep..Take care of you, x

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  12. I am reading the book now. If she hasn't made all Christians who adopt out to be the love children of Michelle Duggar and Fred Phelps, it would have a lot more credence.

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  14. I am having an issue because I keep getting physically ill with all the people jumping ship from Ethiopian adoption because "it's too hard to wait and too complicated" to FAST LITTLE BABY WHO-CARES-WE-PAY-BRIBES DRC ADOPTION WHEEEE!!! I am vomiting when I see people say on FB "please, help us rescue this baby from their terrible life in the Congo, we are doing God's work but we need your help to pay for it. We are Redeeming this baby!" As a Jesus-loving Christian, the worst ethics violations I've seen both in actions and attitudes in international come from us Christians. And it depresses me greatly. So, yeah, considering how worked up I am, I can't even read the book. So, maybe this: I am against adoption in countries where there is basically no government or a very corrupt one, is considered by experts a failed state so there are virtually zero people who help families stay together and nine gillion people who profit from kids being taken from their families and made available for adoption. (Congo and Uganda). Also, I am against bogus appendicitis. I had an ovary issue and they took out my totally healthy appendix, even after an ultrasound showed I had an inflamed ovary. They wanted the $$ and they didn't give a crap. I am for dark chocolate and taking chill pills, cause I need them apparently.

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    1. I may draw fire for this, but I'm tired of adoption fundraising, period. It seems like almost everyone adopting these days wants everyone else to pay for it. And, as a friend and fellow adoptive mama recently pointed out to me, they're likely collecting the (US) adoption tax credit to boot.

      And I'm against all forms of appendicitis, both real and bogus. Claudia, I hope Jay recovers quickly.

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    2. I do not generally (ever have) contribute(d) to adoption fundraisers. Also, not fertility treatments. Both are ways to grow a family and I don't pay for anyone's but my own. Fire away.

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  15. Oh dear, dear Claudia. I am so sorry about the crazy chaos going on in your life right now--I so hope you get back to your own bed very very soon and everything smoothes out into your normal routine. But I know you will miss your family too, so that part sucks. And sorry about Jay but I would be a tiny bit (ok a LOT) jealous if my hubs were lying in a hospital bed RESTING (only after I made sure he was going to be ok of course, ha). I remember when we were first home with the babies and then my hubs got supposed malaria and the treatment made him so, so sick and he just went to the back bedroom for three days. I was jealous of him then and he was vomiting for three days on end. My oh my.

    And that book. I only read the interview online on NPR and I'm not sure if I'm going to go any further than that.

    Hang in there dear...sending you internet hugs and virtual delicious chocolate that comes in packets :)

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  16. Oh yeah. About 24 hours after we got home with our two new, non-English speaking kids, who were (now that I think of it) about six thousand times wilder and freakier than they are today, my husband got so food poisoning sick that we eventually called his mom to take him to the urgent care clinic to get rehydrated--and yes, I WAS JEALOUS that he got to lay down in the bedroom for three days. Completely normal reaction, yes?

    So sorry to hear the news. I can really imagine how ready you were to head home, and it's so hard sometimes to adjust our expectations and carry on.

    I'm against raisin cookies masquerading as chocolate chip cookies, and people driving vehicles that were originally designed as war machines.

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  21. I'm loving these last few anonymous comments. It took me a couple minutes before I realized "Plenty of people try to look for the flashy selections when they are making an attempt to uncover the latest property health club." wasn't some deep analogy about adoption reform. (Mother brain.)

    Admittedly, I came back to read the comments about the drama surrounding the book, because I'm getting sick of Christian/adoption bickering drama on facebook. I haven't read the book yet. I may eventually read it, when I finish the other six unfinished books I've got going on.

    Hoping you've made it home safely. And relatively sanely. Dysregulation is a beast.

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  23. just found your blog...you rock! love to find a fellow AP who likes to "overthink" about adoption and discuss adoption ethics. Also i have a sick-not-really-sick-child today so she is watching some awful thing called pound puppies while i read this. can't wait to read your book...it's so unusual to find a writer who tackles serious topics but is also totally freaking hilarious like you.

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Over to you!