Here is a video of me trying to teach the twins my favourite song:
(yes, I make them sing. They'll be glad one day. Also - listen to the end. Is he talented or what? For once I'm not being sarcastic).
The song is this one: Something Good Can Work, by Two Door Cinema Club. I love this song so much. Really, really so much - I love this song more than the Beliebers love Justin is how much. It's so upbeat, and I am not naturally upbeat - In fact, I have a special category on spotify called 'upbeat' that I created pretty much just to contain this song. Some days, the fourteen year old vocalist in this song is nicer to me than anybody in my real life. On those days, I use this song as my life coach - I turn it up loud, and getting the children dressed, sing along: Let's make this happen, girl! Then, working on attachment stuff with my kids: We're going to show the world that something good can work! and working on finishing my book: It can work for yoooooou, and you know that it will. Will it?
I feel like I need the encouragement. Lately I came across this video, and it's pretty much the best thing I've ever seen so I'm going to sit here for a while so you can watch that, or at least put it on your 'watch later' list - you'll be glad, I promise.
I loved it - she's talking about YouTube, but there's so much truth in there about how we interact with all kinds of content that other people create - and then how the creators interact with our interactions - it's made me think a lot about how I read, as well as how I write. (And it's a whole lot more interesting than that summary makes it sound). I liked the part about American Idol, particularly. And then she got to the end and said that she wasn't actually scared about creating things and I just thought - wow. Way to go. I wish I could say the same. And I didn't realise, until I realised it, but I've been having some big-time Fear about finishing this book. I'm not quite done yet and there have been some legitimate reasons (some editing stuff, some life stuff) but I don't think that's really the issue. I'm on draft four point five, and surely it's got to be time to say goodbye soon, but I keep getting snagged on some uncomfortable things - mostly, why would I want to put this horrible (and true) version of myself out into the world? Frankly, I'm terrified. I feel really vulnerable about people I know reading it, and judging me for what's inside me- and also vulnerable on a more prosaic level because I'm worried it's a big pile of £$*^& and wow, nobody wants to know that about the thing they've been working on for the last two years, do they?
This is not a writing blog - I try not to get too boring about book stuff here but this is really beginning to bother me. I know that there's no point writing anything personal unless it is fierce and honest and real. If people are interested in process, they'll read something informative, and I have no claim to having any information to pass on. My aim, I guess, it let people know what the whole thing felt like, from my perspective. Nobody is going to pay ten dollars to read 'we did some stuff and it was moderately difficult and now I'm moderately pleased we survived'. Snoozefest. It's got to be honest, or there's no point. If we want to have stilted conversations where we censor everything real and pretend to be better people than we really are, we can go to our high school reunions. I don't think there's any point writing that kind of stuff down. And I don't mind blogging honestly, because I could delete it all if I wanted to, but putting things in print feels like maybe a terrible, huge mistake. I want to be honest, I want to be brave, but I don't feel any of those things, I just feel like a scared little girly. A scared little girly or a sad old lady, an old lady who turns to teenage songs for inspiration and courage.
But you've got to take what you can get, right? I play this song for Pink quite often when we are on our own (so okay, almost never) and we call it 'Girls' Music'. As well as learning to sing it, I'm trying to teach her to say 'Let's make this happen, girl!' partly because I want her to be more upbeat than me, and partly because it makes me laugh.
I need to keep saying my favourite line over to myself, talking to myself in the third person like the truly functional human being that I am: Let's make this happen, girl. I want to finish this thing. I am going to finish this thing. So I made another poster for myself and you can have it too, if you like:
So that's me. What about you? What do you need to make happen?
Honest things are the best things to read. I look forward to reading your book. I know it will be just right, because everything you write here is so well said. But I get how it's more intimidating than writing on the internet; no matter how many times people insist that the internet is written in ink, it's really not. Most people aren't savvy enough to figure out how to find cached versions of every blog post you've ever written. So a book is indeed more permanent. And yet, books come and go, too. Of course, your book will be so brilliant that people will purchase it for years to come, but in general, most books won't stick around forever either.
ReplyDeleteWhat I need to make happen is so much less exciting than your book. I need to (sigh) start eating more fruits and vegetables and stop eating the things that give me adult acne. It's horrible, really. I *like* eating terribly. But I'm a mother, and I don't have the time to beat down my cholesterol by running seven miles at a time anymore, so I have to eat sensibly. I'm starting tomorrow, and I'm totally irritated about it. But I guess I can make this happen (girl). Grudgingly.
ugh. Actually, me too on the fruits and veggies. Sigh. Why aren't nachos a vegetable? WHY?
DeleteHot damn your boy can sing!
ReplyDeleteOh - and that song was on my running mix last summer and will likely be again this summer. LOVE IT.
ReplyDeleteMe too!! Best song EVER for running to. What else is on your list? I need to sort out some asthma stuff and get BACK on the running path. Would love some more running song recommendations!
DeleteOK. I hope you're shaping up to be a stage Mama cause I think it might come in handy with talent like that! Adorable!
ReplyDeleteI write fiction. (There. I said it and it feels just as lame as I thought it would to write it) Anyhow, I have novels tucked away and no one has ever laid eyes on a word of it. I'd feel naked, like I was exposing too much of myself and I don't think I'd have the heart to withstand the criticism, so I can imagine where you are right now. It's like sending your child off into the world. You know you have to do it eventually. I look forward to reading it!
What I need to make happen is to finally make the decision on whether to pursue one last IVF or to adopt. It's daunting.
I did not know that about you, Shelby! I can't believe you have actual novels tucked away. I'm so impressed.
DeleteAnd yeah. Your decisions are big, big ones. Such hard choices.
Glad to hear the book is coming along and can't wait to read it! You're right, it has to be honest or it will be boring. But it must be intimidating to be writing about yourself- much different from writing a character with strengths and faults.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely. Its very odd to be writing about me - but me as a character. Maybe the oddest thing I've ever done.
DeleteI have been struggling to complete a book on my two year journey through the mental health system. I think you perfectly expressed where I am at--it is scary and I fear the judgement if I am 100% honest. And yet, I feel it is something that should be written. I wish you well on your journey to publication.
ReplyDeleteAnd, I was quite charmed by your children. I miss those days!
It's interesting what you say about things that should be written. I know exactly what you mean - some things feel like they need to get out. And there were some things that I felt I 'had' to write, but after I had written them I realised I had written them just for me. Having got them out, I felt content to delete them. Funny how there's a difference between needs to be written and needs to be read! (Although I think that authors who write things because they need to be read usually just end up with polemics. I've read a few of those and wow, there's nothing much more boring than polemic).
DeleteYour videos are adorable!!!!!!! I love them - all of them :)
ReplyDeleteHow cute are those kiddos?! So you'd give the vote for Musical Bears then, would you? :)
Your book will be perfectly imperfect, like you are. Just let it get out there.
Also I am so not a writer - I had the fear yes, but that's fear of rude people on Amazon.
Marcia, you have gone VERY quiet about your book. What is HAPPENING? Fill me in!
DeleteYeah. love it all. that real, vulnerable stuff is so. hard for me when i know others are reading it. i think it all the time but to write it and put it out there? yikes.
ReplyDeleteif it makes you feel any better i'll pay $10 to read your version of the phonebook. ;)
Anderson, Appleton, Briggs, Casey, Dewey, Edgarson....
DeleteYou owe me ten bucks.
That was funnier in my head.
DeleteYou are far braver than me for posting a video of yourself singing. It must feel intimidating to write a book on such a personal subject--and I can't wait to read it.
ReplyDeleteI got so excited by his singing that I sort of forgot it has me on it too. Oh well.
Delete1. I love your singing and your choice in inspirational music.
ReplyDelete2. I've never been to a high school reunion. What would we TALK about?
3. Your book will be brilliant.
4. I need to make some rather big decisions about my eldest son. I'm going to make it happen, girl.
I've never been either! I wouldn't want to have to actually BE there, but I will admit that I would like to be a fly on the wall.
DeleteAnd you are going to make it happen. You ARE.
Everyone loves an honest read. I totally get being afraid to put it out there, though. Just one life, might as well be brave and foolish and well-lived.
ReplyDeleteBrave and foolish. I like that. I remember reading something a while ago about 'committing to fail' at a certain number of things. As in, you can't ever get anywhere if you don't do new things that you acknowledge that you don't know how to do and will probably fail at. I have to think about that often - I think brave and foolish probably sums that up!
DeleteYou will have a few people criticize your work. For sure. Perhaps if we know to expect hard things they will hurt less when they happen? More importantly than those pesky few are the many, many folks who you will read your story and laugh a little, cry a little and change a little. Same as your readers do around these parts.
ReplyDeleteI need to get my butt onto an airplane bound to China to bring home my baby boy. I also feel like I need to do it with a little more grace, a lot more warmth and a lot less anxiety than I have been showing my family the past couple of weeks. That's what I need to make happen girl.
You DO need to get your butt on an airplane! But is there anything harder than behaving like a rational being during this awful in between time after you've seen his face but can't hold him yet? I pretty much went crazy, and I wasn't trying to parent another kid. You will get there, and then the memory of all this stress in between will be wiped away. (Because the sleep deprivation will affect your short term memory. Maybe that's not as cheering as I intended it to be).
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Watching your video of teaching your kids that song totaly made my day.... what a great way to teach them music, I just love this, totaly put a smile on my face.
ReplyDelete