Thursday 10 November 2011

Over My Shoulder

It's an interesting thing, being an adoptive parent in the internet age. 

I'm so grateful for the internet. Lately, I have been working on putting together an 'Adoption 101' - a collection of some of my favourite blog posts from all around the adopt-o-sphere. I'm hoping to put a whole bunch of links together - the kind of thing that I would like to send back in time to the Me that was thinking about maybe possibly adopting, way back when. A semester at the college of collective knowledge, if you like - otherwise known as 'I spent lots of time on the internet neglecting my housework so you don't have to™'. I'll let you know when it's done. 

I hope it will be useful. But then there is a part of me that thinks - is this such a good idea? I wonder, sometimes, about the effect that all of my adoption-related reading has had on me. I'm an overthinker by nature - if I was living in a cave and my only source of information was campfire stories, I'd be the one left at the end of the evening asking the storyteller 'why did you say the mammoth reared its head? Why not raised its head? Do you think you are expressing your own feelings about the way the mammoth was nurtured?' You get the point. I'm not ever going to be the person who just chills out and says 'I'm going to let love guide me', and I'm not sorry about that.  But the internet is a black hole, a vortex, a maelstrom of information. There's too much there. Even on this one topic (adoption) it's never really possible to keep up, to be on top of the latest article, to know the latest thinking, to have read the most recent personal outpouring so that I can know exactly what is the right thing to do so my kids won't be messed up because of my culpably bad adoption parenting.

And here's the thing: People have always thought that they were doing the right thing. They thought they were doing the right thing when they told adoptive parents to take their babies home, deny all differences and and seal their birth certificates. [Oh, hang on, OBCs are still mostly sealed in the US. That's insane, by the way. See, I wouldn't know about that if it wasn't for the internet!] We think we're doing the right thing now by acknowledging loss and reading I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla and by golly I hope we are, but what if we're not? We've got to do the best we can with the knowledge we've got, I suppose, although I am in no doubt that the next generation of adult adoptees will let us know what it was that we collectively messed up.

Here's the other thing. As an adoptive parent, I write for the free therapy. I read widely so that I can learn, (and hopefully parent my kids better). I comment so that I can connect. (and I've stunk at this lately - I'm sorry). All of this makes sense to me. It feels worthwhile - probably not as worthwhile as cleaning my kitchen - but overall I think being here (and by 'here', I mean the internet, rather than 'here' typing in my hallway, slowly being covered in falling dust from our attic renovation) is a worthwhile thing. But sometimes I'm not so sure because of how much self-doubt it sows. I've been reading a really wide range of stuff recently (see above) and I feel like some bloggers mainly blog so that they can point out what other people are doing wrong. And by other people, I guess I mean adoptive parents. 

What motivates some of the nastiness that goes on? I understand that adoption is not all about unicorns and rainbows. And believe me, I do not want an award for adopting my kids. Do you want to know what I wanted when I adopted my kids? My kids. That's all. I don't want or need anybody to tell me that I did a great thing - I didn't. I don't think most of us want that. But I don't want to spend my entire life looking over my shoulder, either, trying to pretend to be someone that I'm not in order to satisfy every other member of every adoption triad since the beginning of time, trying to satisfy the self-appointed adoption thought police. I'm sorry if this all sounds vague and paranoid. It's just that I'm rapidly losing patience with a few people I have interacted with recently; people who are bothering online friends (no, sisters) of mine, people who do a lot of criticism and not a lot of anything else. 

I guess there's a good reason for that. Criticising other people is fun. It makes us the writer feel superior, and who doesn't like feeling superior? I suppose that is the true motivation for some of the nasties - self-congratulation by comparison. So, I think that my new internet rule is: Nobody should be allowed to saying critical things about a person (or a group of people) without saying two critical things about themselves, too. From now on, I refuse to take adoptive-parent critics seriously unless they can show a similar level of self-criticism. Not on their own blogs, not in comments, not anywhere. And, since that statement implies (critically) that a lot of people do not do that, here's me practising what I preach: firstly: right now I am questioning my own motivations for writing. Am I really writing through an issue that I think is important, or am I just feeding my own need for drama? And number two: we ordered pizza tonight because I was too lazy to cook. 

Back to looking over my shoulder. I don't want to be emotionally dependent on what the adoption thought police think of me. Periodically (eg, now) I make these resolutions where I say to myself "I am NOT going to let other people's bile get to me any more!" and I stick to it for a while, and then I slide back into caring again. And of course, I am not beyond the occasional bout of Internet Rage myself - sometimes I read things that make me so angry I can barely see. I want to write really, really mean things in reply. I don't do it. Then I wonder - the people whose mean writing upsets me - are they feeling that same feeling of Internet Rage when they read the lovely words my friend writes? Is that what makes them spill vitriol from their keyboard? Or are they just so used to being critical that their fingers are set to 'auto-nasty?' 

I don't really understand it. And I find it really difficult to hold some of these internet things in tension. The information, the knowledge, the scrutiny, the paranoia, the occasional outbreaks of unexpected nastiness. You need to be tough in the head to get through it all unscathed. I'm not sure that I am that tough. And I don't really have any answers about this. I think what I'm trying to say is: Sometimes I find this really hard.

28 comments:

  1. What keeps me sane in internetland is the knowledge that it's just internetland. That is, everybody in adoption internet world could hate me and I'd still be loved and supported by my family, kids, and friends in real life. And regardless of what I think SOMEONE in internetland will agree. That's the beauty of it!!

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  2. Ohmygoshseriously. I have gone through the same thought process approximately every 3-4 months since we started the process a.k.a. since I entered adoption blog land. I am also an over thinker, and sometimes I think there's such a thing as TOO much perspective. Id love to write more but my son just dismantled the floor molding in the bathroom. Yay!

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  3. Sometimes I think the whole screening process for adoption pushes us into this whole hypercritical mode. Obviously it is necessary. But I ... okay, I personally get into these moods where I feel like the kid frantically waving her arm in the classroom - pick me! pick me! I have the right answer so pick me so my heart won't shatter and I won't die childless never having lived the life I wanted. The feeling of having to prove myself worthy of parenthood did not just evaporate when I got a positive homestudy. In fact, it may have gotten worse since I discovered the blogosphere. It definitely got more complicated. But the burden of having to prove so much knowledge combined with how impossible it seems to actually have much in depth knowledge until your child has been home, um, maybe 20 years or so, just seems to set up this insane NEED to be authoritatively right.

    Oh, my two critical things: my kitchen floor is sticky and I have no idea what to do about my son insisting on sleeping with his Fireman Sam magazine, which then rips as he tosses and turns, which in turn leaves him sobbing.

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  4. My two self criticisms first: 1. I've promised myself to start a yoga or pilate daily routine and have procrastinated it for over a week but here I am leaving a blog comment so that just proves I need to get my priorities in order 2. I blog because it's fun, it's that simple, but it seems like it should be more complicated.

    But really....I'm with you Sister. For real. Seriously? What is it that makes people be so mean on line? I think it's this weird anonymity- so people can say whatever the meanest thing that comes to their mind first thing and never really have to "own" it. I also think maybe humans have evolved to type faster than they can rationally think or to feel.

    Just my two cents. I'm really not down with people who aren't into growing or who are perpetually finding faults in others. And I believe with all my heart that there's so much negativity in the world that we should all make a strong commitment to try to at least pretend to respect one and other. Uh-huh. :)

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  5. ah yes... the criticism of others! and a loaded topic such as adoption can really bring people out swinging!! I take them all with a grain of salt and a sip of my wine, and move on.

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  8. I think I just did what Lost mentioned- I typed faster than I could rationally think. Thankfully I reread my piece and decided it best to just delete.

    Ummm, YES. Yes and yes and yes. Sister.

    xoxo

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  9. I'm newish to adoption politics, but have quickly picked up on the POLITICS. Particularly around language. The amount of interwebz space taken up with bashing people on how they use language in relation to adoption is breathtaking. I really think it's important to have discussions about language and paradigms etc, but I have noticed many a time where it just gets really petty and everyone thinks they are THE authority on how to speak about adoption due to their position in the triad and use that alone to say quite controversial things. Parenting broadly is always ripe for a cat fight, so I suppose it's just another area where people feel vulnerable, insecure and can sit behind screens and lift themselves up by trying to bring others down.

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  10. I am a reader, non-blogger, person interested in adopting in the future. I am actively reading blogs written by adoptive parents so I can learn more about the diverse personal experiences of adoptive families. I have so appreciated that you are sharing your story. In light of the negativity you are battling, I just wanted to share that you are a wonderful resource for me, and probably others like me. I am silent because it's hard to actively comment and engage when I am not a blogger, but you should know that you have silent followers that believe in and support you!

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  11. When I read your post, I thought (amongst a whole pile of things) about the few anonymous folks who have commented on my blog from time to time; I don't know why I let these folks get to me but the two harshest ones were commenting on things I've done as an adoptive parent and, even though neither commenter sounded like they had been personally involved in the adoption world, their words/criticisms got to me faaar more than I they should have been allowed (by me) to. I sadly struggled for days with their harsh words before allowing them to slowly ebb away (though here I am still remembering them, months later!).

    The world of adoption seems fraught with 'political' sensitivities and, though I tire of it regularly, I also feel sucked into it and am often made fragile because of it. The truth is that I don't know if the way I'm raising my kids is the best way, and I don't know if I'll know...until someone two generations from now tells me how much I suck at adoptive parenting...oh wait, those two commenters already did!

    OK, I'm rambling now, but as usual your post has got my brain moving in about a thousand different directions...and it's all unfortunately manifesting here in a disorganized comment.

    Oh, two self-critical things. Do I have to stick with just two?? 1. Though I have my kids make their beds every day, my own has gone unmade for the past three days, possibly four; my children have noticed and have commented that this is not fair. They are right. It IS hypocritical. And I don't care. 2. My kitchen floor is so in need of cleaning right now that my children could really eat an entire meal off of it. And I dare say that nothing about this situation is likely to change until people come over...in two days. I suck at maintaining the house, more often than not.

    OK, that's it for now. Thanks Claudia!

    Ruth

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  12. Yes. I hear you. I tend to over-question myself and over-evaluate my thinking, my intentions, my parenting, my theology and on and on. I am so thankful for the insight and connections that the internet has provided, but the judgements that are thrown out have made me nervous to write anything lately!

    2 criticisms: I push myself too hard way too often to look good on the outside when the inside is messed up and that's what my family sees. I had absolutely no idea what to do to help my daughter tonight through her tears.

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  13. Personally I think expanding and improving ones mind is always a better thing than cleaning the kitchen.

    I really like the idea of putting up links for others, I wish I would have had something like that to reference for myself. Especially the first year before I started blogging myself.

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  14. Guilty. On all sides of these equations. I'm definitely guilty.

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  15. I love this post--exactly spot on, IMHO. Thanks.
    I think it's almost always good to put information out there, to have more information. That's how we moved from "bringing your baby home and denying all differences" to where we are now. I don't think there are many eternal truths--just the best we know now.
    My 2 self-criticisms: I often lose sight of the (very important) big picture, b/c I focus on stupid small things. And I over think things, too.

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  16. Hmm, I posted a long comment yesterday and watched it appear, but now it's gone. I'm not sure if it's a problem with my computer or yours, but wanted to let you know!

    Blessings, Claudia.

    Ruth

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  17. It's a tough situation. I agree, I don't get the angry comments. I am trying to write a response to a few on my Lucky post. They weren't even angry they just left me going "huh?" But at any rate, selfishly I am glad you write for your free therapy :)

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  18. I have a lot to say about this, a blog post in and of itself. I've been flamed a few times for what I thought were really innocuous posts--very weird and confusing. I ended up deleting the comments as they were anonymous (shocking, I know). I do think adoptive parents can be hypercritical, of themselves mostly, as the process itself does make you think about everything differently--having to prove that you will be a fit parent is a weird little game, really. I understand why, but it can be crazymaking. Anyway, I hear ya on this topic, and would still love to see your "best of" list.
    :-)

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  19. Great post! Great great great post! The level of nastiness on the internet, especially amongst the mostly middle-class, sensible, educated ladies who blog and use online forums, is quite astonishing.

    On the matter of divisions in the adoption community and how we all need to get over ourselves, I've just posted: http://tortoisetales2.wordpress.com/2011/11/12/national-adoption-awareness-week-2011-a-spray/

    I'm very interested in your idea about posting all the links in one spot. I have tried to do something similar for Australian Thinkers, but I don't have the audience reach you have. I'm looking forward to it.

    I hope this post gives some people a wake-up call, but I fear it won't. At least it's therapeutic!

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  20. Ruth, that is SO WEIRD! It came through on my notifications, so here it is thanks to the magic of copy and paste:

    From Hi From Ruth!

    When I read your post, I thought (amongst a whole pile of things) about the few anonymous folks who have commented on my blog from time to time; I don't know why I let these folks get to me but the two harshest ones were commenting on things I've done as an adoptive parent and, even though neither commenter sounded like they had been personally involved in the adoption world, their words/criticisms got to me faaar more than I they should have been allowed (by me) to. I sadly struggled for days with their harsh words before allowing them to slowly ebb away (though here I am still remembering them, months later!).

    The world of adoption seems fraught with 'political' sensitivities and, though I tire of it regularly, I also feel sucked into it and am often made fragile because of it. The truth is that I don't know if the way I'm raising my kids is the best way, and I don't know if I'll know...until someone two generations from now tells me how much I suck at adoptive parenting...oh wait, those two commenters already did!

    OK, I'm rambling now, but as usual your post has got my brain moving in about a thousand different directions...and it's all unfortunately manifesting here in a disorganized comment.

    Oh, two self-critical things. Do I have to stick with just two?? 1. Though I have my kids make their beds every day, my own has gone unmade for the past three days, possibly four; my children have noticed and have commented that this is not fair. They are right. It IS hypocritical. And I don't care. 2. My kitchen floor is so in need of cleaning right now that my children could really eat an entire meal off of it. And I dare say that nothing about this situation is likely to change until people come over...in two days. I suck at maintaining the house, more often than not.

    OK, that's it for now. Thanks Claudia!

    Ruth

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  21. Oh, and you should ALL go and read tortoisemum's post. Fascinating stuff!

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  22. I really enjoy reading your blog. I am interested in adoption and therefore am doing a lot of studying on it. I appreciate your honesty and the fact that you don't sugarcoat things. Sometimes I really think the world needs more of that.

    p.s. I would love to see that list of links if and when you finish it :)

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  23. I think you're very brave and your posts are helpful and informative to so many people, adopting or not.
    Amy x
    PS my daughter wouldn't drink her yogurt smoothie this afternoon - after pestering me for it for an hour- and I threatened to pour it over her head, so then she drank it. I certainly won't be winning any mother of the year awards.

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  24. You also write so very well and I cannot stress enough how important that is. I would read anything you write about, because it's high quality. That being said, I also think the internet is an odd odd place. But hey, it's like life, I don't agree with everybody and I gravitate toward people who are kind. And funny. And smart. I'm a simpleton, right?

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  26. With respect to the vicious comments being left on blogs I have come to believe the following (1) a thicker skin is imperative (2) angry/hurting folks use this forum as an easy place to vent (3) it would be nice if our biases were all published up front (i.e. (a) my family came together via adoption and we are generally happy, healthy folks or (b) I suffered greatly as a result of being adopted or participating in adoption etc).

    I am also questioning my motivation/desire to write - on my optimistic days I see a strong community and some great learning via shared experience. On my less optimistic days I see & participate in random spewing of thoughts with a nebulous community.

    My self criticisms: I tend to yo-yo at times (see above). My clothes are all feeling rather tight inspiring a commitment to move a bit more and eat a bit less - then I had an argument with a Costco employee and in my peeved-off state I cracked and ate a sausage roll for lunch.

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  27. I could probably write a novel about my ambivalent feelings towards the internet as an over-analytical, neurotic, and people-pleasing adoptive mom. I really go back and forth about how much it benefits me to read the disdain some people hold for all adoptive parents in general. On the one hand, I do think that I am poised to be more empathetic, and do better understand the issues that my kids may face. On the other hand, I am regularly surprised when adult adoptees walk up to me and say, "I love seeing adoptive families", because I have read so much bile on the internet that it is A SHOCK when I meet an adopted person who is pro-adoption. I think it has skewed my thinking in some not-so-positive ways that I then project onto all adoptees (including my own children). Case in point: the other day I corrected my son for saying he was lucky for being adopted, because (GASP) someone on the internet said he's not allowed to feel like that!!! God forbid I just let him have his own process that isn't dictated by stuff I've been reading from people who more than likely do not represent the majority of adopted persons.

    Anyways . . . at the same time, can't wait to read your list. And I agree - if people can't look at their own stuff or are unable to see the inevitable duality and humor and complexities of life, then I probably don't need to give them my ear.

    And in that vein: I tried to send a child with diarrhea to school this morning so I could have some alone time, and I just fed said child a microwaved Lean Cuisine for lunch.

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Over to you!