Friday, 22 May 2009

Recurring Dream

Other people's dreams are boring, so I'll keep this short. But. I keep on having variations on the same dream. Each time in the dream, we adopt a baby, but something seems wrong. No matter how much I tell myself I love the baby, I just don't really love it. And then every time - every time- it turns out that it wasn't really a baby, it was a four year old / six year old / seven year old who was just masquerading as a baby. I end up realising - and think 'ah ha!! No wonder I knew something was wrong! No wonder it was difficult to bond! No wonder it didn't like the sling!' but think 'well, this is our child now' and take the fake baby out of its too-small crib / high chair / car seat / other piece of baby equipment that always makes its way into the dream, and start treating it like the child it is, rather than a baby. I dredge up everything I know about older child adoption and do my level best to start being the mother the child needs, but the back of my head is always screaming 'no fair! I wanted a BABY!'

Needless to say, I always wake up from this dream feeling incredibly guilty.

Any amateur Freuds want to help me on this one??


  1. I don't think there's anything really hidden here. You want a baby (and the experience of mothering a baby) but you subconsciously feel guilty for not adopting an older child who might "need" a home more than an infant.

    While I would never discourage anyone from adopting an older child (and I'd love to see more people doing it), everyone needs to decide what is right for them and their family. Don't feel guilty.

    At least that's my (rather obvious) take.

  2. I am putting Julia on speed dial.

    Part of the dream too, might be the idea that your baby will get older and older as you wait .

  3. I agree with Julia.

    There are so many emotions with adoption--and feeling guilty for getting trying to get what you want (an infant) is NOT one you should be feeling. You've already dealt with enough. One of my fertile friends put it best when she said that infertiles should NOT be the ones who feel like we have to save every child--older, younger, etc--that is something everyone should be doing.
    Hang in there. I hope easier/happier/less stressful dreams dominate soon.

  4. I think it means you need to go on a really cool beach vacation, like Greece. And that you need to eat ice cream, preferably rocky road and chase it with a bottle of red wine. But that's just me, I mean, what *I* would do.

  5. I'm with ted and lori :) I don't think you should read too much into dreams - they're freaky enough as they are, but I think it's normal to have bizarre dreams when you're approaching a big life change.

  6. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and I agree that this is probably pretty straightforward. And all your anxiety is perfectly understandable and honestly, it would probably be weirder if you didn't have it. I also agree with the vacation prescription, but I think it should be a vacation in Austin.

    Also, DAVs -- your friend is very wise, and more people should be listening to her.

  7. I used to dream that I brought my baby home and he was HORRIBLY sick. Like dying in my arms and I was terrified he would pass before the plane landed.

    And finally when we got to Arizona (in my dream) I was standing in the hospital hallways begging someone to come baptize by baby before he died. HOW MORBID IS THAT!?!?!?!?

    Fortunately, our baby's never been sick, he's definitely never been to the hospital and (for my own piece of mind) that dream stopped as soon as he was home safe and sound.

    But it was freaky!

  8. Plus- as our agency's director says, if parents didn't adopt babies, then they would turn into older children that need to be adopted. Don't feel guilty. You're following the path that God (or the fates or whatever) has sent you on :)

  9. Hey! I have your craft-it-forward package ready to be sent. Would you be able to e-mail me your address at heatherjurrens @ (no spaces)?

    Thanks so much! Have a great day!

  10. I am putting you ALL on speed dial - this is all very true and much more than I had realised. Especially the bit about the holiday.


Over to you!