I should have said

...that I was going to be away for a week. But I forgot, and then I *was* away, somewhere blissfully so remote that i had no computer, no phone, no nothing, and no ability to say hey, I'm away for a week. And things have happened! People have passed court! And I haven't had a chance to congratulate them yet!

But now I'm back. And I have BEADS!! And not just beads I bought off the internet either - beads from people! Real, live people! On MY doormat! I. Am. So. Excited.

Other exciting holiday news - I convinced J to read a book that hadn't been previously read and approved by me (this is a big, big milestone in our relationship - he really likes to read, but he likes me to guarantee that the book is going to be good beforehand) and he's finishing it off now. That doesnt' look so exciting when I write it down, but while he's distracted I've had a chance to start catching up on things... better make the most of it!

Fabulousity

I got tagged! Thanks so much for tagging me for this, filoli - and sorry it's taken me so long - it pulled me out of my blogging funk. I'm a little dubious about whether any of these addictions are actually fabulous, (TV! Food! The Internet! Craft! More food! That woman really DOES lead a fascinating life!) but hey, I'm going with what I've got.

My current top 5 addictions are:

1) The West Wing
I know, I know, everyone else discovered this in about 2002. I thought I was immune - in fact, I thought it looked pretty stupid - but a critical mass of my friends told me 'wow, you should really see the west wing, it's amazingly great, although it's not as good after Aaron Sorkin leaves' and suddenly, a moment of madness during my Christmas shopping saw me adding the complete seven season box set to my trolley. (It was very, VERY heavily discounted, she said hastily). I was with a friend at the time and he said 'hey! The west wing! That's so great! You're going to love it! But it's not as good after Aaron Sorkin leaves.'

I went home, time passed. I watched a few episodes. I liked it quite a lot but wasn't raving, until suddenly a few discs in I was hooked. As in, H.O.O.K.E.D. So much so that i had to call the original friend who recommended it, just to tell her how right she had been.
'I know!' she said. 'It's so great! But enjoy these first seasons, because it's really not as good after Aaron Sorkin leaves'.

I cannot tell you how much of my time over the last few weeks and months has been spent on my sofa, knitting and watching this programme. Life has been not the funnest, lately, and it's really good to know that whatever happens, Josh, Toby, Leo and CJ will be there for me. (If one of them dies / leaves, I am going to be SO MAD. I wasn't sad when Sam left - his pretty-boy hair was annoying me).

I'm on series five now, and I'm still really enjoying it. I think you should all watch it too. But you know what? I feel I need to warn you about one thing - it's really not the same after Aaron Sorkin leaves.

2) Oreos.
As the future white mother of a black child*, I have major guilt feelings about loving oreos so much. I worry - does this love affair reveal some kind of subconscious unresolved issues about race? And then I eat one and think - gosh, no. I love these because they taste so darn YUMMY! And because they come in handy snack packs.

Ironically, (and yes I believe I am using that word correctly) I got hooked on oreos because of WeightWatchers. Two cookies is only 1 1/2 points. Considering a slice of bread is 1 point, and so is an apple - that's pretty fan-spanking-tastic. Bring it on. I might have another one right now.

*I'm already white. It's motherhood that's in the future. Just in case you thought I was going all Michael Jackson on you. And also - 'black' is the correct, PC term here. AA is all wrong (for very obvious reasons). I hope it doesn't offend anyone. If so, please suggest another word that isn't US-centric!

3) Reading all your blogs
Do I have to explain this? No, I thought not. Suffice to say that my husband REALLY rues the day he encouraged me to buy an internet phone, because now I can do it anywhere, anytime.

4) Buying beads on the internet.
Oh, wow. This one sure snuck up on me. It all started so innocently. I thought beads were for, you know... other people. But then I discovered the world of semi-precious gem beads and I'm just... a goner. I've become like some kind of cartoon character with a chest full of treasure - I keep opening up my packets of beads so I can just... hold them. This is especially the case with a set of 14mm amethysts I ordered- I keep on stroking them in a way that is probably not entirely healthy. I'm not even sure I want to make a necklace out of them because then I won't be able to trickle them through my fingers anymore. And, of course, one thing leads to another. What these amethysts need is some smaller amethysts to put between them, and some black onyx to set them off. So I bought them too. And isn't that a gorgeous string of faceted purple jade? Oh, here I am again on the website of my favourite supplier again. How did that happen? That rock crystal sure is pretty! And will go with everything! Oh hey, these guys don't sell silver beads. But hey - here's someone who does! And look what else they have!

I ordered some more beads yesterday (rose quartz, since you ask) and already, I'm smacking myself on the forehead and saying to myself: 'Iolite! I didn't buy any iolite! Well, one strand can't hurt. Better go back and get some, because a nice blue really is incredibly useful. And while I'm here, let's see what else they've got....' AS IF IT HAS CHANGED SINCE YESTERDAY.

Of all my addictions, this is the only one that is likely to see me default on my mortgage payments.

But really, it's fine. I can stop anytime. Anytime.

In fact, I have bought so many beads recently, and made so many necklaces, that I'm never going to get a chance to wear them all unless I sprout another neck. Or three. Turns out it's the making I really like, rather than the wearing. It's therapeutic, and I'm too repressed to get actual therapy so that's very handy. It's definitely time to set up an etsy shop. Actually, I've already done that. I guess it's time to actually take the photographs and write the descriptions, rather than rely on buyers' psychic powers to sell these objects. And then I HAVE to buy more beads, because it's actually a business expense. Right? You don't have to sell anything to actually be a business, do you? Right? Right???

But really. I can stop anytime.

5) Two food addictions is a little embarrassing. But if you asked me what I wanted, right NOW, what would add most to my happiness, I'd have to say:


A handful of these guys. I'm a fickle person, and my addictions and obsessions wax and wane over time. But M&Ms have been a staple craving for about the last ten years, and I don't see them being bumped off this list anytime soon. I have to tightly ration myself (if I told you how tightly, you'd mock me, so I won't) but it's good to know that whenever the going gets REALLY tough, they'll be waiting for me.

Now - some fabulous blogs. You're ALL fabulous! But today I tag:

CINDY - partly because I want to know how many times 'cheese' can appear in a five-part list

AMY - because her blog is a hilarious, marvellous public service and I think the whole world should read it - it would definitely become a much chic-er place,

ANNA - because she always lifts my spirits

COLLEEN - because I think you should all visit her blog and check out her cute new haircut

MISTY - because it might give her something to post about while she waits six more days for court!

The rules are pretty straightforward - list five of your fabulous addictions, and tag five blogs that you think are ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS.


**Updated a day later to say** - I bought the iolite. So sue me.

Sunday/Monday

I'm sad (very sad) to tell you that my grandmother passed away last night - or this morning, depending on what timezone you're in. When you're not even on the right day of the week when someone passes away, maybe that's nature's way of telling you you're too far away from your family.

I spoke to my mother and my grandfather this morning (my time) and that really did help. My mother assured me that it was the right time - she had been in a lot of pain, and it wasn't possible for her to keep on as she was. The family had been taking it in turns to be on 24 hour bedside vigil for the last few days, and my aunt (who was at her side in the hospital) called my grandfather about 4am and asked him to come - he came - they were both there at the end. I'm glad of this. I'm glad she was surrounded by those she loved in death, as she was in life. She was a wonderful grandmother. I will miss her terribly. If I have grandchildren, I hope they have a tenth of the happy memories of me that I have of her.


My grandfather told me that she has asked to have her ashes scattered here (not a very good photo): which is the town where she grew up.

I so much wanted her to meet our baby. I'm so sad that she will not.

I've been so disappointed that it's going to take longer to bring our baby home than I had thought. But today I've been thinking. Maybe it's right. You only have to read my last few posts to see that this is a pretty sad house at the moment. This probably isn't the best place for a hurting baby to come home to, right now, needing super-parenting. I'm not saying I want to wait until the end of the year (which is looking more and more likely) but... I think it's going to take a while for things to feel okay again here. In a week I might be cursing myself for writing that. But. I don't think even 'the call' would make me feel happy at the moment. So it's just as well it's not going to come.

In No Particular Order

• This is going to be one of those bullet point posts.

• I hardly know where to start on this last week. Forgive me if I sound disengaged from all this - I'm not - but I'm writing this on my work computer (see below) and now is not the time for me to start crying.

• So first the easy stuff. Our internet at home is on the fritz (<--------- joke for the benefit of my sister) and it's making me crazy. I was ordering beads(!) on Saturday and I had to keep restarting the computer so often (to kick the modem into life) that I nearly threw it against the wall. Only the thought of finally being able to send off some beads out kept me going. Now those days of restarting to make it work seem joyous because now all it will say is 'remote computer is not responding' or 'modem is not responding to poll commands'. We've got to get a proper internet connection. But (as I'm sure everyone else has noticed) the most efficient way to arrange an internet connection is ... over the internet. Which we don't have. We'll have to sort it out from work, but in the meantime I'm reading blogs on my phone but that won't let me comment. Which is making me crazy.

• Trivial but annoying. On monday I broke a tooth on a stone in my breakfast cereal. It's only chipped, really, but I wish it hadn't happened. I keep trying to make a dental appointment with my local NHS practice, but I feel like I'm trapped in a Kafka novel again. I do not want to be That Person - the person who demands payment from a breakfast cereal company for a dental repair - but if I have to get this done privately that may happen. On the realities of the NHS - all I can say is, if you saw 'Sicko', don't believe everything Michael Moore tells you about healthcare in the UK. But hopefully you would already know that.

• Harder. J's father got the results of his tests back, and much to our relief his c.ancer seems to be operable. Three weeks ago, I would never have believed that we would be so pleased that J's father would be going into hospital for such a serious operation. We know this is the best outcome we could have hoped for but it's really tough for him, for the family, and especially J's mother. He's going in on the 24th.

• Harder still. The funeral of J's uncle Peter (known in the family as U.P.) was on Tuesday, in Yorkshire, which is about 3 hours from where we live. It was a really difficult, long day - in some ways much harder than I expected. By the time I met U.P, about five years ago, he was beginning to be very infirm in body and mind, and I never really knew him properly because of that. This makes me sad - and I feel sadder about it after his death than I did during his life. In stark contrast to my family, whose motto seems to be 'breed early and breed often', J's family is very very small. UP was J's father's only sibling, and he never married, so J's parents, together with J, me, his two brothers and their wives, were 'The Family' at the services. And I hardly knew him, really. It was a hard day.

• Hardest. I spoke to my mother yesterday and it seems that my beloved Grandmother is rapidly approaching death. I feel like I cannot bear the thought that she will go. I keep feeling - 'It's too early! You can't take her yet! She's only 82!' and I know how stupid that sounds, but it's never, never going to feel like I'm ready to lose her. And not only that I'm not ready, (although I'm not) as that I know she is not. I could face losing her, despite the pain it would cause me, if I could look forward with joyful hope to knowing she was passing from death into life, and going to meet her saviour (I know that sounds hokey to some of you. I don't care). But her mix of atheism / agnosticism doesn't allow me that hope. It would be disrespectful if I were to talk as if she was looking forward to going to a heaven she doesn't believe in, to meet a God she has rejected. Disrespectful both of her and of God, both of whom I love. So I cannot. But I wish I could.

• On Sunday, before I found out about my grandmother, I was telling a friend that it feels like every time we get a phone call it is unwelcome news. She said - at the moment, it probably feels like you can't take any more. But other things will happen, and you will bear them too. Wise words, as it turns out.

• Emotionally, I'm still having a really hard time with the 'hey I'm an expectant parent too' feelings. Not all the spare baby equipment needs to go to someone who is physically pregnant, surely? I'm sitting right here, right next to the pregnant lady who you just gave that stuff to 'because she might need it'. Do I need to carry a placard?

• I'm going to see this tonight. Really looking forward to it. How can I not want to see a person who describes himself as the child of an unlikely liaison between Ethiopia, Eritrea and Wigan Social Services?

• One bright spot - my bead order has arrived. I'm hoping to send out some today. Incidentally, people, I can't send you a bead unless I have your address. Just sayin'.

• I'm exhausted now. Thanks for sticking with it.

Do I hear a wagon?

If you listen very carefully, you might hear the sound of a wagon rolling through the land of blog. Not just any wagon - a BANDwagon (which is by far the best kind of wagon) - and once you've heard it, you will also hear me running after it and hollering and demanding to be let on board.

I'm not quite sure what to hand over for my ticket. One of these?


Or maybe one of these?


This, perhaps?


Nah. Maybe one of these:

I'm guessing at least 90% of you know what I'm talking about by this point. The driver of this bandwagon is the inestimable, inimitable Courtney, who is approximately a hair's breadth away from her referral. Last week she asked her blog friends to send her a bead. If you haven't read this post yet - read it. Read it now.

I think this is a wonderful idea, and I really want to join in. So much of this post touched me that I'm at risk of typing it all out again so I can say how meaningful I thought it was - I won't. But for me it really tapped into a need to feel - togetherness - on this crazy journey. I feel so alone sometimes, doing this. Nobody in my real life is doing this. If I needed breastfeeding advice, I would have people to ask. If I needed maternity clothes, I would have people to borrow from. If I had an ultrasound photo, I would have people to show it off to. If I needed morning sickness remedies, I would have people to call. But on this journey, in my life, where I live, I... don't.

On this path, I've been surprised by how much it has hurt not to be part of the collective female experience of giving birth to the next generation. I would like to have taken that baton from my mother and passed it on to my daughter. I would like to have taken it for granted. And I would like to have taken for granted a sisterhood that has been through what I am going through. And I don't use words like 'sisterhood' easily, so that's an indication of how much pain it has caused.

I love Courtney's idea because it is a reminder that there are other ways to create collective experience and lift each other up. You don't have to live close to someone for them to encourage you. You don't have to have met someone to send each other a bead.

I would so much love it if any of you wanted to send a bead to me. You don't have to be a mother, and you don't have to be adopting, and I don't have to know who you are - if you're reading this, and you'd like to send a bead, then I would absolutely love to receive one. And of course, anyone who wants one - wherever and whoever you are - I'll send you one back. I'll put my address in the top corner of my blog.

It. Would. Mean. So. Much.

The Menagerie

I'll be honest and say that this new phase of waiting is getting me down a lot more than I expected. You know, at this point, I really thought it would start to get easier to buy baby presents for other people. I thought I would hear the big announcement ('it's a boy! We've decided to name him Krazy Klingon Kupcake the Third!) and, rather than feeling nauseous with jealousy, and also angry because Kupcake was MY choice of name, I would just swing by the baby store on the way home, buy the obligatory tiny jumper with a frog (or a weasel, or a cat, or whatever) on it, maybe check out the nursery furniture while I'm there and then just happily trot home.

Yeah, not so much, as it turns out. I'm left wondering: when does this start to get easier? When does the fact that we will have a child in the future start to feel more real than the fact that we don't have one today? I thought it would be now. I was wrong.

Maybe it's not just the waiting, though. I just feel like a fool because I assumed January was going to be a great month. Finally, our time to start with all the preparations that normal parents make! It will be a halcyon time of love and laughter! Instead, it's brought wave after wave of unwelcome news: telescoping timescales, family illness, uncertain immigration requirements and a bereavement. All the adoption bad news feels really messed up with other difficulties until I hardly know what it is that I feel sad about.

So: when your head's in a mess, engage in unnecessary craft activities. That's what I'm telling myself. I haven't been a crafter at all for about twenty years until I picked up the kneedles a few months ago. In fact, I had some very unkind things to say about people who crafted. Mostly including the words 'if you wouldn't buy it, why would you make it?' and 'honestly, who needs a macrame duck?' and 'does she really have that much spare time on her hands?' And then one thing led to another and now I've been crocheting too, and sewing - an activity I swore I'd never engage in. And I'm forced to eat my words.

I love the William Morris quote ' Have nothing about you that is neither beautiful nor useful'. I think beautiful is out of the question, at my level of skill, so I probably should ry making something useful, but so far, no. Instead, I've been going crazy making baby toys. I think my subconscious believes that, if I can just make enough toys, a baby will be irresistibly drawn to our house because of the sheer density of playthings.

So. Meet monster.



He was the first thing I sewed (and I had a bit of trouble with the tension on his mouth, as you can see). J finds him a bit mystifying. He hasn't quite said 'face it, Claudia, no child is so deprived that they are going to want to play with THAT' but I know he's thinking it. At least he was made from an actual pattern, which is more than can be said for sketchy lion:


who was loosely based on the monster pattern, but, errr, obviously completely different. Sketchy lion is not just any lion - he's culturally appropriate (check out the dark brown in his mane, like an Ethiopian Lion) and mildly educational (his mane is made of ribbon tags, for little fingers to play with, and the ribbons are varying textures: grosgrain and satin). Also he has a very fetching tail (although due to practical difficulties it appears to be located halfway up his imaginary spine).


And in the interests of finishing before everybody reading this slips into a coma, here is the rest of the family portrait (so far):

Including blue bear & brown bear (brown bear taught me an important lesson - STAY AWAY from fuzzy angora yarn. It's pleasantly soft, but the heartache of trying to find your next stich just isn't worth it) and mini-kevin (who you have already met).

I think that's probably enough, but I've begun to think about finding a good pattern for a penguin. It seems that the aim is, by the time the baby arrives, to have filled the cot with so many random animals that there will be no room for an actual baby. At the rate I'm going, and the rate that the DC.SF is processing paperwork, I don't think that's unrealistic.

Un/Comfortably Numb

The last week has been unbelieveably stinky. I feel like I'm stuck back in last october / november again, what with the unexpected arrival of bad news, and ... okay, actually, mostly just that. I'm not quite sure how to say these things, or what order to put them in, so I'm just going to type them in the order they happened:

1. J's father was diagnosed with colon c.ancer
2. Due to very recent changes in immigration law, it looks like our adoption might not be able to progress any further until I am granted citizenship. Which will take about 6 months. We found out on Friday.

Okay, so you can probably all imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend was had in the Chapman household. It. Was. Bad. However. The mitigating factors:

• Quite possibly, the c.ancer will be operable. It was found via a routing screening procedure, and there aren't any symptoms yet, so hopefully it is at an early stage. We'll find out early next week. Obviously, we're worried. But J's dad is remarkably calm and cheerful - his attitude has been a real encouragement.
  
• We were always planning for me to get citizenised (yep, that's a word), but as it wasn't required for the adoption (until about ten minutes ago) we were delaying doing the forms and so on until the bulk of the adoption assessment for panel was out of the way. In order to keep my passport, and not need to send it to the home office, I needed to book an appointment to have my documents officially checked and photocopied at a registry office. It takes about 2 months to get one of these appointments. And I happened to finally make mine about two months ago. Which means that my citizenship appointment was TODAY. I'm incredibly thankful for this - it would have been very, very, very hard to wait for this appointment, knowing that I couldn't join the citizenship queue until it was completed. Providentially, I only had to wait for one weekend with that knowledge, and now my forms are in the post, having been stamped by a lovely lady named Beverly.
• Even better, it's possible that my immigration status of 'indefinite leave to remain', which I got about three years ago, might just be enough to make our adoption possible without needing the citizenship. This is a bit fuzzy. Immigration law is... complicated. Obviously. But we're not having our papers pulled until we've at least found out whether this is an option.
• I get to add a new ticker - 'time spent waiting for citizenship'. Hurrah.
  
• Cindy got her referral - baby Olly's coming home
• I have a new name, which is a nice novelty - it's Claudia, by a whisker, and the cat is now Kevin (that was a landslide).
  
• As I had my appointment this morning, and it was in Oxford, I get to take the day off. So I'm going to spend the afternoon here:

and here:

Sadly, you have to pay extra for this:


so I'll have to content myself with the hydrotherapy jet pool, aromatherapy steam room and heated loungers. I think I'll manage.

• I had a very big slice of cake earlier, which made everything feel a lot better
  
• There's only so much of this stuff that can happen before it's almost - almost - funny. I think I'm pretty much there.
  

Anonymise me!

Okay, so, various factors have led me to realise that this blog is a lot, lot more google-able than I would like. And since I've been, errr, kinda open about some of my issues and struggles, I've decided that I don't like it being this way. If my friends and family want to know what I really think, they can wait to buy the book, darnit. So.... I'm going to get around the issue, I hope, by renaming myself. And yes, I know google caches things and so on, but anybody who can be bothered going through the google cache must have better ways to use their skills than in finding this blog.

So. I need your help. I've randomly (well, almost randomly - I avoided any names that are high on our list for an actual baby) chosen some potential names off the 'top 100 baby names in England' list, which is helpfully maintained by the office of national statistics. Who shall I be online from now on? There's a poll on the top right (if I can ever make it work) with the options: Chloe, Siena, Rose, Freya, Claudia. If it doesn't work, please leave me a comment instead (my blog gadget skills are not fantastic, and I keep getting a 404 error, so I'm a little worried. But I'm going to try again). Alternatively, if you've got any other great ideas for alter-ego names, please suggest them. I'm not totally in love with any of my ideas, to be honest. I'm also sort of considering Martha, because I really liked the German film 'Mostly Martha', but I'm not sure about that one either.

Oh, and the cat needs a new name too. His choices are Fluffy, Stripey, Ginger and Kevin. Or something else, obviously.

So! Vote!

And by the way, I've seen a few people say 'person x found my blog by searching xxxxxxxx on google'. HOW DO YOU KNOW?? Anyone who can tell me how to do this will be highly esteemed by me forever.

Who was I kidding?

When I said there was a chance that we might get through before the rainy season? There's no way.

A dear friend sent me an email asking about when we might be meeting our baby. I replied with a list of what we had to next (a long way of saying 'I don't know'). So here is our quick, off-the-top-of-my-head list of stuff that has to happen now. Some of this is the same as the US process, some of it is different. :

• Wait for our approval to be ratified (probably early Feb)
• Appoint a notary
• Wait for our local authority to send our ratified papers to the department of ch.ildren, scho.ols, and famili.es (D.CS.F) (Should be ~1 week after ratification)
• Wait for the D.CSF to certify us as 'eligible' adopters (could be 2 weeks, could be 6 months)
• Wait for the DC.SF to send our papers to our notary
• Get the rest of our dossier to the notary (really, there would be NO EXCUSE for not having all of this together after how long we've had to prepare): (bank reference, personal references, birth cert, marriage cert, post-placement obligation letter, why we want to adopt from ethiopia letter, photos, proof of life insurance, etc - y'all know the drill)
• Arrange for notary to photocopy and authenticate all the relevant papers, then send to Foreign and Commonwealth Office and Ethiopian Embassy (I'm not quite sure why this costs close to £1000. A mystery).
• Wait for Eth. embassy to legalise papers and send back to Notary (probably about 3 weeks - 1 month)
• Notary sends back to D.CSF
• Wait for DCS.F to send papers to Ethiopia (YAAAAAY!) (could be 1 week, could be 2 months - looking like 2 months at the moment. Another mystery. All they have to do is measure the parcel so we can call DHL and tell them to collect it).
  

....then......

• wait to be notified about a suitable child (unknown time frame - could be quite quick, could be a few months)
• Fly to Addis
• Officially 'identify' child recommended by orphanage and apply for a court date for an adoption hearing
  
• Ask british embassy to provide confirmation that child will be eligible for citizenship
• Wait for notification of court date
• Wait for actual court date (approx 2 months after application). I will possibly be in Addis for this time - J will probably have to come home. I'm hoping to volunteer at the orphanage for this stretch but I have NO idea whether I'll be allowed to or not. Not thinking about this yet. It's too early for me to be disappointed if the answer is no. I'd rather have hope.
  

....then......

• Fly back to Addis (if back in the UK) for a second, 3-4 week trip. Arrive a week before court
  
• Court date
  
• Apply for Ethiopian passport for baby
• Wait for British embassy to give us entry clearance for baby
• Fly home!
  

Notice a recurring verb?

So. I'm kind of getting used to the idea that our baby probably isn't born yet. But sometimes it hits me that maybe they aren't even conceived. J and I have regular, half-joking conversations about the fact that maybe, since it's going to take so long anyway, we should hang out for as long as it takes to get a twin referral. (Oooh, sorry, recommendation. Independent adopters must not use the term referral). But then sometimes I think 'but our friend K got her first set of papers through the D.CSF in a week! It could still happen!' until reality slaps me down again.

I love my country. I really do. But this adoption is messing with my brain enough, anyway, without all these UK-specific logistics to send me doubly crazy. I wish adoption was a bigger part of our culture. I wish there were enough adoptions each year for us to have an agency in Ethiopia. I wish I had some idea when I could be leaving work. I wish I knew who my baby was. I wish I could at least pray for him or her, knowing that they exist, already, whether inside or outside mother #1. I wish that I could communicate to some of my friends that okay, if they don't see ME as an expectant mother, could they please pray for / be thinking of mother #1? I wish I could explain that right now, mother # 1 feels more real to me - is more often in my thoughts - than Hypothetical Future Baby, who, contrary to what I expected, feels more shadowy than ever. I wish I could explain that I'm not adopting to avoid morning sickness.

Okay, I'm a little off the topic now. Sorry. Normal service will resume soon.

Overwhelmed

It's been a week since I posted, because my head has been swirlingly full of all kinds of craziness. After the elation of Wednesday, I feel like the rest of the week totally spiralled out of control. To illustrate: normally, I like to cook a 'proper' dinner for us. The idea is that it's ready so that we can eat together as soon as J gets home and I feel like I'm contributing something other than my pathological mood swings to our marriage. However. This week we ate:

1 x shop-bought pizza

1 x meal out (that was Wednesday)

1 x home made soup (only 5 ingredients and I FORGOT TO ADD TWO OF THEM)

1 x shop-bought soup (learning from above)

1 x macaroni and cheese

1 x dinner at friends' house

1 x leftover macaroni and cheese

Yes, I was overwhelmed enough that I paid good money for pre-made SOUP.

Why so overwhelmed?

Well, apart from a very small number of people who said 'that's really... great!' in a way that made it clear that what they meant was 'actually, I'm a little freaked out by this!' I've been overwhelmed by people's joy for us. Two different people at work have given me champagne, and even a few people I was a bit nervous about telling have obviously been thrilled for us. I've been so touched by people's kindness. I should stop underestimating my friends.

I've been overwhelmed by how many of you left us congratulatory comments! Thank you so much. Nobody else knows like all of you do just what a big milestone this is for us.

I've been overwhelmed by a few very emotional conversations. Top of the list was talking to my maternal grandmother on Wednesday night. She's been very sick for over a year and I'm more glad than I can say that she lived for long enough for us to tell her about Hypothetical Future Baby. Talking to her was especially sweet because she is an adoptive mother herself- my youngest uncle was domestically adopted as a baby- and she said this was the best news that she has had in years (sorry, L, I think she was even more excited by this than she would have been by the idea of another bio great-grandbaby). She said every possible right thing that anybody could have said, finishing with 'I just can't wait to see you walk in here holding your own baby'. Considering how ill she is, and the unknown factors in our timescale, I have to accept that she might not see this. But I'll never forget how happy it made me just to hear her say it. And - ummm, oookay, actually, I'm going to have to move on because I'm totally tearing up as I'm typing and I'm doing it in my lunchbreak at work.

From the sublime to the ridiculous. I've been overwhelmed by just how silly some people are. By those who have never learned the 'if you don't know what to say, dont' say anything at all' rule. And yes, I'm thinking of you, person who told me that you knew someone who adopted from country xxxxx, and their child was 'a bit, simple, but otherwise it was very much like she was their daughter'. I'm not going to give that one any more space.

I've been overwhelmed by baby pictures. We emailed a lot of our friends with our news, so that we could tell them all at once. Anyone else find that you can't email a friend with kids without getting baby photos attached to the reply? Often with absolutely no relevance at all to the content of the email? It seems to be a a completely uncontrollable compulsion - I've begun to think of it as parental-baby-photo-attachment-tourettes. So this week, I've lost count of how many emails I got saying 'That's great news! Here is a photo of baby Archibald eating cheese'.

Most of all, though, I've been overwhelmed by general overwhelmingness. I couldn't possibly express this any better than Julie already has. (Thanks for the timing, Julie!) My head is spinning with a thousand different fears and hopes and distractions, from money to discipline to inadequacy to boredom to joy to sleep to distance from family to skin colour to the thought of several months in Ethiopia on my own to timescales.

Oh, yes, timescales. Tantalisingly, there's a slim possibility that,if every single step of our process went quickly from here on, we could possibly, POSSIBLY, get through court before it closes for the rainy season this year. I know it's not likely to happen - not really likely at all - but I can't help hoping. I almost wish that we were a month or two later, so there would be no chance and I would't be disappointed. But no matter how much I tell myself not to hope, I am hoping. This means that I've suddenly gone into hyperdrive with trying to sort out the paperwork (yep - it's all very different from the US process - once I've sorted out what I actually need to do, I'll try to put up a post about the UK procedure). I don't want to waste a single day, because that day could be the difference between BEFORE the closure or AFTER the closure and AGGGHHHH, my brain fries just thinking about it.

Looks like this is going to be another opportunity to deal with those control issues.

Amongst all the overwhelmedness, though, I am so so grateful that wehave reached this stage. Grateful that we've been approved. Grateful that we have finally been able to share good news with our family and friends. And most of all, grateful that finally, Hypothetical Future Baby just might not be so hypothetical after all.