People left some really thought-provoking comments about beauty*. It seems the main reason people are reluctant to tell girls they are beautiful is because they don't want to encourage vanity. With good reason, I suppose - there's nothing much less fun than being around a vain woman, unless it's being around a vain man. People who are wrapped up in their own good looks are very little fun - probably all of us know someone like that. But I think there's a big difference between being secure and being vain. In my view, the difference is this: a woman who is happy about the way she looks, but not vain, is also able to be glad when someone else looks good. A vain woman has to be the most beautiful.
One of the most beautiful people I have ever met is also the most generous with her praise of other women. I knew her for a while before I realised this. She would tell me about people who she knew, and would always preface descriptions with 'oh, Shirley (or Magda or Katie or whoever) is so beautiful'. And for a while, I just thought that she happened to only have really good looking friends. And then I met most of these girls, and they looked just like you or me. But Bethan looks at all of these ordinary women and genuinely sees beauty. She has waist-length blonde hair, great legs, blue eyes and a killer smile and if anybody has reason to be vain, it would be her. I'm sure she knows she is good looking (I mean, the girl has a mirror) but she wears it lightly. She can see her own beauty, but it doesn't stop her seeing the beauty of other women too. It's not a competition, for her.
I think what I'm saying is that want my daughter to grow up to be like Bethan. Happy in her own gorgeousness, but equally happy to see gorgeousness in others. Anybody got any ideas on how to make that happen?
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Speaking of vanity (well, it's sister vice of pride) can I tell you something I'm really really proud of? (No! It's not my collection of useless academic qualifications, which I swear I must have mentioned here before but it seemed to surprise people so maybe not. Anyway, now I feel awkward about it). Last week I worked out how to install social networking buttons on my posts with the icons of my choice. (There are some really cool icons out there). I'm really not at all sure anybody wants them, but in the end it was a fight to the death between me and the html (and I really don't know anything about html) and by golly I won. I think. I don't really use social networking. So, with that confidence-inspiring background, does anybody else want to know how to do it? If so, let me know soon and I'll write a how-to before it all falls out of my head.
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Also speaking of proud (sort of) by Jingo I felt proud of my adopted country on Friday. A wedding? A very beautiful dress? A free day off? Which is then spent guilt-free in front of someone else's television, eating cupcakes? What's not to like? I loved the whole thing.
We've just got back from being away for Royal Wedding / May Day long weekend, and now normal life starts again tomorrow. It's the end of about 15 days of off-on holidays for us. That, I do not like.
(Although if I'm totally, totally honest - I've missed the computer).
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*Not from this lady, however. She claims she had a "brilliant, insightful, earth-shattering" comment which blogger ate. Do we believe it? You be the jury.
I wanted to respond to your post about beauty with my obsession of how to teach my kids to feel confident. Thank you for explaining the difference between vanity and security. I will say as soon as I read your sentence "there is nothing much less fun than being around a vain woman..." because my head immediately said, "Except for being around an insecure one." I think I would rather my daughter was vain and secure than insecure and, well, anything...
ReplyDeleteI must tell you how much I enjoy your blogging and reading your well written blog post. Parenting is hard and teaching your kids the right things is hard work but I am up for the challenge :) Thanks for making me think!
ReplyDeleteAnother insightful post, my dear. I often think that someone is more beautiful once I get to know their personality. It can be internal attributes that somehow make their external physique appear more beautiful. Not sure if everyone feels that way, but I think pointing out a person's best qualities is a way to help show how there are so many ways to see a person's true beauty.
ReplyDeleteI think it is important to teach children that beauty is many things, not just conventional good looks.There is nothing as beautiful as a person who's brain can turn out wonderful poetry or someone who has the skills to make the best of themselves with confidence on a shoestring.Building self-esteem, compassion and empathy seem to be some of the most necessary parenting skills.
ReplyDeleteYep, I love the distinction between vanity and security, it's so true. Confidence on a woman is hugely attractive as well, it draws others to her as much as physical beauty. Anyway.
ReplyDeleteRE your comment on my blog..... dear Claudia, when you bathe 2 toddlers in one day I believe you DO deserve a medal. Really. Nothing like a wiggly soapy little one to challenge your day, lol!
Oh yeah, SFM, that is SUCH a good point about insecurity. I hereby declare that you ARE brilliant and insightful and earth-shattering. Not that I ever doubted it :)
ReplyDeleteYou are the only person who proposed an alternative title on my blog post. And it was perrrrfection!!! :)
ReplyDeleteI think I got some of it through being taught to respect myself.
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite sayings is "every woman is beautiful when she smiles."
ReplyDeleteYou're beautiful BTW- I have no idea what you actually look like, but your writing and your perspective is GORGEOUS! :)
Most people I have know who were vain were actually incredibly insecure. Having to be the *most* beautiful indicates insecurity, doesn't it? In general, I think that if you have to purport that you are *the best* at anything, it means that you don't really feel that you are, and that you must defend your position. Whereas being secure in your own beauty/talent/etc. would allow you to recognize the beauty/talent/etc. in others and celebrate it. So to encourage your daughter to recognize her own beauty, if it's a deep realization and not a shallow one, would likely discourage vanity. I know that I look in the mirror a lot less when I feel good about myself, and see the remarkable loveliness in others when I take time to look at them instead of myself. I hope that I can somehow pass on this lesson to my own daughter.
ReplyDeleteWill come back to read these comments cause they look juicy. I vote Yay in favor of Semi-F-M probably leaving an earthshattering comments, her comments are usually awesome.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a tie between what's worse - being around a horribly insecure individual who lets that insecurity make them do less than nice things, or being around a terribly vain individual - ug.
Pride - I am so conflicted about it. How does one have enough to feel good about accomplishments, but not so much that they're narcisitic? Part of me says Pride - ew. But, I want my son to feel proud of his accomplishments and who he is, certainly.
I loved your words about your dear friend, she seems wonderful. My bff is one of these ridiculously beautiful people - inside and out - and I've seen other women treat her horribly just because she's pretty and they're jealous, so crappy. They miss out on knowing what a crazy, exceptionally special woman she is.
I love how you defined this - love it. Hmmm, now off I go to think some more.
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