Mother's Milk

I've always been very, very pro breastfeeding. It's just so obviously such a good idea. Baby cows eat cow milk. Baby monkeys eat monkey milk. Even baby dolphins eat dolphin milk. It seems like a bit of a no-brainer that baby humans should eat human milk. This is something I have never questioned. Occasionally, newspapers here run 'freak show' stories about women who are still breastfeeding their children at a much-older-than-normal age. When these stories were discussed, I was always the person saying 'more power to her!' rather than making grossed out shuddery noises. I was never in any doubt that breastfeeding was a Good Thing.

And then we decided to adopt.

When me made this decision, it felt like a big deal to me that this meant I wouldn't be able to breastfeed my baby*. I mean, how was I going to bond with the baby if I didn't get to experience this?For a while during the waiting, this was one of the things that could send me from zero to sobbing in about 10 seconds flat. But, onward and upward. Formula it would have to be. And when we got our referral I had so, so many questions about the best way to feed our babies. For example - what is the real difference between 'newborn' formula and 'hungry baby' formula? Would 'hungry baby' be better for malnourished babies - does it have extra calories? And what about 'follow on' milk? Is that the same as newborn, with added iron and vitamin D, or pretty much powdered cows milk in a fancy tin? How are the brands different? How do I know what teats to choose? Then later, after they were home, why does my child's poo smell like cat poo on one brand of formula, but not on another?**

So I asked my health professionals, and they were incredibly vague. Everyone seemed to think that someone else should know about bottle feeding, but it certainly wasn't them. I looked on the side of the formula packets. Information there? 'Breastfeeding is best for babies'. Which it is, of course, but what the? This is all the information you're going to give me? A health warning? I'm just trying to feed my children, I'm not starting them smoking.

So I did what any sensible girl would do, and googled. Put 'Formula Feeding Information' into Google, and the first link that comes up is the formula feeding information page at 'Ask Dr Sears'. This pleased me - he's a man who knows his onions, right? Well. Here's a snippet of what Dr Sears has to say:

One of our concerns is that even though formula-fed infants appear to grow normally, are they really thriving? Thriving means more than just getting bigger. It means developing to the child's fullest physical, emotional, and intellectual potential. We just don't know about all the long-term effects of tampering with Mother Nature.

Really, really staggeringly unhelpful. Because unless he wants to drive over to my house and donate some of his own breastmilk to me, formula is what these babies are going to be getting. And I was already unhappy about it - I don't need a lecture about it - I need to know how to do it the best I can, and that doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

I have, in the end, become rather tired of the moral posturing of the breast-is-best brigade, and nobody is more surprised about that than me. I'll spare you any more links, but the Sears page turned out to be typical of the information I found online about feeding with formula. It seems that a quick summary is always 'So, you want to know about how to feed with formula? Well, lady, here's why you shouldn't'. It began to seem like I might as well type 'information about feeding with inferior, nutrionless, baby junk food that I have chosen because I am selfish and a bad mother and want my breasts to stay perky' because that was pretty much all I could find.

I was already sad about not being able to breastfeed, and this kind of 'information' really wasn't helping.

And then something amazing happened. In a matter of weeks my babies went from this:

27 October

to this:

18 January

because of me, and this:

and I'm finally starting to let go of the assumptions I had about feeding. I am in no way anti breastfeeding, and I never would be. And I would never, ever encourage formula feeding as some kind of easy option - nutrition aside, all that sterilising and boiling is a total pain. But now, I am anti breastfeeding-as-a-moral-imperative. I am anti the idea that breastfeeding is the only way to have a happy baby, or be a worthwhile mother, and that bottle feeding is some kind of tragedy that must be avoided at all costs.

I was carrying around so much guilt about not being able to give my children this good thing. But I'm realising that just because one thing is Good, doesn't mean the other thing is Bad. I used to assume that feeding from a bottle would somehow be automatically less than breastfeeding, but now I just don't feel that way at all. I know I haven't ever breastfed, and apparently the hormones can be terrific, but I no longer feel like I'm missing something primal. Apparently, it's a wonderful feeling to know that you are the only person who can provide the nutrition that your baby needs. Well, I'm not the only person who can provide food for my babies, but most times I'm the only person who does*, and that feels pretty wonderful too. When I was grieving about losing the breastfeeding experience, I never realised that they would do that face-reachy thing with bottles, too, that she would grunt adorably or that he would love to run his fingers through my hair while he sucked. And I don't feel like I'm missing out at all.

I know that breastfeeding is nutritionally superior to formula milk, but no longer think it is somehow morally superior. I have come to believe that whether breast feeding or bottle feeding, it should be less about the adjective and more about the verb. I would have hoped that Dr Sears would have celebrated with me that my babies are thriving rather than... well, you read the extract.

I never would have thought it, but I've come to be absolutely content that my babies are fed with formula. It's not perfect, but like so many other things in my life, it's good enough, and that's good enough for me. Finally, I am happy to say that I am a mother. And drink up babies, because this is my milk.

*And yes, I know that adoptive breastfeeding is technically possible, but after researching (because I was pretty keen to do it) it became clear that women who have never previously lactated should not expect to produce significant quantities of milk. So it might be a nice experience, but it probably isn't actually going to be what feeds the baby. So we decided no.

**The answer to that last one is that she was on a high-fat formula and her pancreas couldn't handle it. Thanks to my Dad for explaining that one.

***Except when J happens to be around at feeding time, and oh mercy me when they are twins involved I am SO glad I can hand one baby and a bottle to a man.