Sunday/Monday

I'm sad (very sad) to tell you that my grandmother passed away last night - or this morning, depending on what timezone you're in. When you're not even on the right day of the week when someone passes away, maybe that's nature's way of telling you you're too far away from your family.

I spoke to my mother and my grandfather this morning (my time) and that really did help. My mother assured me that it was the right time - she had been in a lot of pain, and it wasn't possible for her to keep on as she was. The family had been taking it in turns to be on 24 hour bedside vigil for the last few days, and my aunt (who was at her side in the hospital) called my grandfather about 4am and asked him to come - he came - they were both there at the end. I'm glad of this. I'm glad she was surrounded by those she loved in death, as she was in life. She was a wonderful grandmother. I will miss her terribly. If I have grandchildren, I hope they have a tenth of the happy memories of me that I have of her.


My grandfather told me that she has asked to have her ashes scattered here (not a very good photo): which is the town where she grew up.

I so much wanted her to meet our baby. I'm so sad that she will not.

I've been so disappointed that it's going to take longer to bring our baby home than I had thought. But today I've been thinking. Maybe it's right. You only have to read my last few posts to see that this is a pretty sad house at the moment. This probably isn't the best place for a hurting baby to come home to, right now, needing super-parenting. I'm not saying I want to wait until the end of the year (which is looking more and more likely) but... I think it's going to take a while for things to feel okay again here. In a week I might be cursing myself for writing that. But. I don't think even 'the call' would make me feel happy at the moment. So it's just as well it's not going to come.