tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post6638182518249025020..comments2023-10-19T13:55:22.556+01:00Comments on my fascinating life: Telling Stories, Telling LiesClaudiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09352341442556433375noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-73687880648572194502012-06-20T21:15:59.419+01:002012-06-20T21:15:59.419+01:00Another very interesting post. We just passed cou...Another very interesting post. We just passed court and are a few months away from bringing home our 4.5 yo boy from Ethiopia. I've always planned do a life book for him, but hadn't ever really thought it through. As in, what will it look like?<br /><br />His story . . . well, he's old enough that he probably knows quite a bit about his story. We're supposed to have a birth family meeting on our Embassy trip, and hopefully we'll learn more than what we know from his paperwork.<br /><br />But reading this post and the comments today has given me the idea of doing more than one book. A first one, with mainly pictures and a little bit of narrative, will be good for now. He loves looking at pictures of himself. But as he learns English and opens up about his experiences and his memories of Ethiopia and his birth family, I want to make a record of that for him, too. A lot of what he remembers now he probably won't remember forever, at least not in any detail. And I don't want him to lose that.<br /><br />And if we learn more about his story by using a searcher, we can incorporate that as well.Kathleenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06754977752393703392noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-78113905524707716732012-06-20T03:20:59.010+01:002012-06-20T03:20:59.010+01:00Emily - Like Claudia and all the other commenters,...Emily - Like Claudia and all the other commenters, I am really struggling too. I hardly ever even talk to Lottie about Ethiopia because I'm not sure what to say, which is NOT the way I want to handle this. I hadn't even thought about seeking professional help. I would love to hear what they have to say.Rebeccahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15253783284975097995noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-12403794833847138532012-06-18T22:22:39.490+01:002012-06-18T22:22:39.490+01:00Claudia, I think I was clumsily trying to agree wi...Claudia, I think I was clumsily trying to agree with what I thought Sylvia was really trying to say... is that enough qualifiers? Not sure I could be less clear if I tried. <br />There is actually an element of this in our own adoption that I am also always processing.<br />Sylvia - I sincerely hope I didn't offend.<br />Now I have to go look up pedant.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-61101379860587152982012-06-18T05:37:13.207+01:002012-06-18T05:37:13.207+01:00yes. I want to do this too. But my kid is 2.5 and ...yes. I want to do this too. But my kid is 2.5 and he is so so vulnerable. He has made it clear he does NOT want to talk about life before he was adopted yet. Now what do I do??scooping it uphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08801475653537826888noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-8505581523147337122012-06-18T05:34:35.548+01:002012-06-18T05:34:35.548+01:00Dinei, Wow, mom to a 28 week preemie here and hear...Dinei, Wow, mom to a 28 week preemie here and hearing you loud and clear. And Claudia, REALLY struggling with life book right now because of ALL this stuff. Stressing me out big time actually.scooping it uphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08801475653537826888noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-43457990942566344732012-06-16T23:24:22.277+01:002012-06-16T23:24:22.277+01:00Cory, you have GOT to see the link that Sian left ...Cory, you have GOT to see the link that Sian left below. Murder, death.... it's all there. Hilarious and terrifying!Claudiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09352341442556433375noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-40823464740793864772012-06-16T23:23:08.897+01:002012-06-16T23:23:08.897+01:00That's a good idea. Please let me know if you ...That's a good idea. Please let me know if you get good advice! I could really use it!Claudiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09352341442556433375noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-72795027968396397612012-06-16T23:21:10.677+01:002012-06-16T23:21:10.677+01:00good points, I, thanks.good points, I, thanks.Claudiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09352341442556433375noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-70486776211906011162012-06-16T23:20:20.136+01:002012-06-16T23:20:20.136+01:00Sian, I hadn't seen this, and I just laughed S...Sian, I hadn't seen this, and I just laughed SO HARD that I nearly choked. Unbelievable. And hilarious. The captions are priceless! <br /><br />(Everybody else, you MUST click on this link!!!)Claudiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09352341442556433375noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-51566856994813650012012-06-16T22:47:17.568+01:002012-06-16T22:47:17.568+01:00Hmmm, I am not adopted, but I grew up hearing some...Hmmm, I am not adopted, but I grew up hearing some unpleasant but true things about my arrival in the world, and you know, I didn't need to. It was not helpful. I agree with SemiFeral on this point - the time to share about mommy's struggles is when the grown child is talking about becoming a parent. I didn't need my mother's recounting of my horrific birth and her sadness and isolation as a new mother to shade my sense of self. In that spirit, I have not yet talked to my son about his two bouts of critical illness pre-adoption. I will. I will add layers to his story as he matures. He has a right to know that. But right now his self esteem is too fragile, his fear too great. No one benefits from being considered a sickly child.<br /><br />As for the care centre, that's harder. Of course, no care centre is ever good enough. Could you take the angle that children need parents because it is not healthy to live in an institution and no one gets the care they need in an institution? It is true; it avoids details that might not be age appropriate. There are aspects of the care centre where my son stayed that are very good, and in major ways that seriously hurt him, they fell down. And that goes in the story for later about how sick he got.barb_aloothttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07990706676816248438noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-81016054882104729682012-06-16T21:36:25.826+01:002012-06-16T21:36:25.826+01:00You've seen this, right? http://www.guardian.c...You've seen this, right? http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/gallery/2012/may/30/terrifying-french-childrens-books-in-pictures?CMP=twt_guSianhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07628983389051018307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-64689434582604582852012-06-16T20:35:21.933+01:002012-06-16T20:35:21.933+01:00"And I made another lifebook that says plainl..."And I made another lifebook that says plainly, We do not know why this happened. These are the facts as we know them, the motives we cannot know." I love this so much and want to steal it. Because YES. Exactly.Gretchenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07425898963082396240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-52671363786481044472012-06-16T01:45:10.032+01:002012-06-16T01:45:10.032+01:00I'm struggling with this as well. I really wor...I'm struggling with this as well. I really worry about the whole sugar coating thing. There are some really tough layers to my son's story and I just don't know when to introduce them. I don't want to drop a bunch of heavy stuff on him suddenly and have him think we were lying. It's so complicated. I'm actually thinking of seeking professional help in order to get some advice.The Bustershttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04997732379617645016noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-39518631970925859972012-06-15T20:56:06.172+01:002012-06-15T20:56:06.172+01:00I'm feeling like I didn't explain myself v...I'm feeling like I didn't explain myself very well... I'm not so much talking about answering questions - we do our best to answer those at an age-appropriate level. I'm talking about the big blank space when they say 'tell me my STORY, mummy!' ten times a day. And they are at an age where they want to build up fantasies about things and people (do they ever grow out of that????) and one of our kids is getting kind of carried away along those lines. I don't really want to be more specific than that .. its complicated. Obviously!Claudiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09352341442556433375noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-62115760820101841962012-06-15T20:50:23.887+01:002012-06-15T20:50:23.887+01:00Yeah..... to point 1), that doesn't work so we...Yeah..... to point 1), that doesn't work so well if we go back in 12 months time!! ARRRGHHHHH!!!!!!<br /><br /><br />And as for 4) - get yourself a copy of 'I really want to eat a child', girl!!! Sounds like your kids will be ready for it!Claudiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09352341442556433375noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-73404039118961805662012-06-15T20:49:21.481+01:002012-06-15T20:49:21.481+01:00Yep. That.Yep. That.Claudiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09352341442556433375noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-22090507255729185502012-06-15T20:48:38.903+01:002012-06-15T20:48:38.903+01:00I have to find a way to talk to him about this per...I have to find a way to talk to him about this period that doesn't result in him equating my lowest point with who he is.<br /><br />Yesyesyes!!! That's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. I'm so sorry you've been through such an awful time - so glad he's well and happy now! Lovely to meet you!Claudiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09352341442556433375noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-49464471060788480812012-06-15T20:44:02.504+01:002012-06-15T20:44:02.504+01:00Nora - it took me more than two years to do our sp...Nora - it took me more than two years to do our special books!! And we haven't actually got many words in ours - partly because I knew we wouldn't finish ours if we gave ourselves that extra task, but also because we wanted to be able to talk about the pictures fluidly depending on what they wanted to talk about at the time. It's worked pretty well for us so far, not committing any words to paper! I recommend it. Also, it means that they can show their 'photo album' to visitors if they want to and not be showing their entire story. <br /><br />also - SFM - I know you are drive-by-commenting!!! But Sylvia wasn't saying she thought it was the sole reason. Sorry to be a pedant but I think it's still a really hard thing to come to terms with, considering that your special need might have even been a 'straw'.Claudiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09352341442556433375noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-70153535654687365602012-06-15T20:25:56.722+01:002012-06-15T20:25:56.722+01:00Sylvia, I can see how complicated that must be. Fi...Sylvia, I can see how complicated that must be. First parents are such an important part of a child's identity, and for your little girl, her special need will be too. Trying to dovetail the two (possibly contradictory) ways that might make her feel will be.... complicated. Hard, hard stuff in this for her as she grows up.Claudiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09352341442556433375noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-82521149108418518072012-06-15T17:13:43.717+01:002012-06-15T17:13:43.717+01:00Oh, and the author of "I Really Want to Eat a...Oh, and the author of "I Really Want to Eat a Child" also wrote "Monsters Eat Whiny Children". :-)Cory and Mollyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11630337123915433469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-43365999425491982722012-06-15T17:11:09.069+01:002012-06-15T17:11:09.069+01:00I don't have anything to add, but will be faci...I don't have anything to add, but will be facing these conversations at some point. It sounds like a constantly changing, difficult conversation to have--it will be good for us to think about well in advance. Thanks for posting this--I am learning a lot from the post and from the comments.Cory and Mollyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11630337123915433469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-56137504785587826042012-06-15T16:13:03.830+01:002012-06-15T16:13:03.830+01:00Our son is 5 and parts of his story are also not v...Our son is 5 and parts of his story are also not very nice at all.<br />I think telling simple truths is the best policy. Simple truths that the child can understand /developmentally appropriate.<br />JMHO, but it seems that once you sugar coat or leave out important details that lead the child to have incorrect impressions, you run the risk of being seen as having lied.<br />Using the example of the care home--if Pink thinks it was lovely, she could be surprised /disappointed/upset when she learns the truth. <br />How about a simple version of the truth...you were in a care home where they took care of you, but it wasn't the best place for a child...then leading to this being one of the reasons for adoption (vs. staying in the care home). Not sure if this fits your child's truth exactly...just trying to give an example of how you might handle it.<br />An example from DS's story might be more clear.<br />Truth (which we know b/c we have contact with birthmom): when birthmom told birthfather that she was pregnant, he told her to get an abortion and left her.<br />We've told DS a version of his story from when he came home, age 9.5 mos. Realized one day that we'd basically left birthfather out of the story, when, out of the blue, at a hockey game (who knows why?), DS asked me "Did my birthfather help make the adoption plan, too?"<br />Simple truth we told him: "No, actually he didn't. When bmom was pregnant with you, your birthfather wasn't ready to be a father. He left it up to your birthmother to make the plan."<br />Obviously, I left out the details. But tried to give him a version of the truth.<br />Of course, when DS processes all of this, when older (and he gets more details), it will cause him pain. I feel awful about that. But don't think there's any honest way to avoid it. And I'd rather that he get developmentally appropriate snippets of the truth along the way, than finding out at a certain age that the narrative he's been hearing over the years, from me, wasn't accurate.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-42087079167980381552012-06-15T13:51:29.783+01:002012-06-15T13:51:29.783+01:00BG has been home for Almost 7 years now. We have ...BG has been home for Almost 7 years now. We have done searches two times. Each time we came up with more information which changed what we "knew" about her story. <br /><br />Initially, the place where she was abandoned, according to her paperwork anyway, made me have certain feelings towards her Birth Family. Like "here? really? how could you? what kind of birth mother would do that?" None the less, I created her first lifebook within a month or so of her coming home with this finding spot in the narrative and tried to spin her story as best I could.<br /><br />We then did a search and found out that might be the spot but the story went a little differently. It changed my feelings very much towards the birth family and her story and I created a second lifebook. <br /><br />I read the book "Message From An Unknown Mother" by XinRan about Chinese birthmothers and had all sorts of empathy towards birthmothers and the possible scenarios they face. We did a second, more through search and got more details and I made another lifebook that says plainly, We do not know why this happened. These are the facts as we know them, the motives we cannot not know. <br /><br />This is the truth. We want to give them a nice story, but we can't. I include pictures of the orphanage which is not nice but it is what it is. She WAS THERE. I include a photo of what they tell me is the finding spot. It is harsh to think of. But this is what we have as her truth. she has grown up seeing it so it didn't sting when she was little, if she saw it for the first time when she could understand exactly what she was seeing.....yeah. That would be hard.<br /><br />Ok, so this is way more than you need in the comment section. What was the question anyway? I got carried away here.Casa Bicicletahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01877164617383384452noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-87695983739598438612012-06-15T13:03:59.092+01:002012-06-15T13:03:59.092+01:00Well, you're going to love this story. It has ...Well, you're going to love this story. It has nothing to do with your post but here it is:<br /><br />we've been having some going to bed and staying there problems. The other night D goes to a movie, phones me and says he miscalculated so he'll be home a bit later but in the meanwhile he's going to a bookshop.<br /><br />he comes home with not 1 but 6 books for the kids. The funniest thing is they're all on the theme of "you're in a big bed and you need to stay there" <br /><br />I laughed so hard when I was reading them I was crying.<br /><br />But they're staying in their beds. So best R350 we've spent for awhile!<br /><br />Of course they're all UK books "Mummy" instead of "Mommy".<br /><br />So I need to look out for these French ones - i'm all about real life :)<br /><br />Seriously, just answer them as appropriately as you can and pray when (not if) they start to ask the more difficult questions.Marcia (123 blog)https://www.blogger.com/profile/15581613927187600748noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-72826992970459907602012-06-15T02:07:06.971+01:002012-06-15T02:07:06.971+01:00It sounds like you do not know FOR SURE that her s...It sounds like you do not know FOR SURE that her special need was the sole reason. It might be the proverbial straw that broke the back... I actually have trouble with parents who over-simplify the reason their kids were placed for adoption, "Poverty" It is often so much more than poverty. I think the most important thing is to teach out kids, "life is incredibly complicated and until you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes you just do not know the answer." And, (much, much harder for me) we have to get all our own stuff/anger processed so we don't attach our emotions to the facts. There is stuff in my husband's history that makes me very angry at his parents. But they do not pose a threat to our children. Trying to never let my anger about things that happened decades ago interfere with their relationship with their grandparents can be a challenge, but is worth it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com