tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post3834095423620508700..comments2023-10-19T13:55:22.556+01:00Comments on my fascinating life: Fundamental ErrorClaudiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09352341442556433375noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-4848029236535522242012-03-03T23:32:41.993+00:002012-03-03T23:32:41.993+00:00I think you're right, Kim - once you've be...I think you're right, Kim - once you've been punched in the gut yourself, it's easier to see how much those gut-punches hurt.Claudiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09352341442556433375noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-11283287815912344752012-03-03T23:31:05.158+00:002012-03-03T23:31:05.158+00:00oh, I shouldn't laugh at your friend's com...oh, I shouldn't laugh at your friend's comment but I am. See, I always SUSPECT people are thinking that, but she came right out and said it.Claudiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09352341442556433375noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-70247121261545784672012-03-03T23:30:07.860+00:002012-03-03T23:30:07.860+00:00YES. That is one of the very, very hardest things ...YES. That is one of the very, very hardest things to put into practice, don't you think?Claudiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09352341442556433375noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-61174657651737818892012-03-03T23:29:23.650+00:002012-03-03T23:29:23.650+00:00SFM, the world is a much better place because of y...SFM, the world is a much better place because of your humour.Claudiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09352341442556433375noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-18325515754706525842012-03-03T22:52:02.230+00:002012-03-03T22:52:02.230+00:00So true! One (there are more) of the ones that pu...So true! One (there are more) of the ones that punches me in the gut every time is "Isn't that always how it is: you're in-process to adopt, and then you get pregnant! It ALWAYS happens!" Umm, no, no it doesn't. As much as I would LOVE for that to be true in my own life.<br /><br />People forget who their talking to. I'm sure I've done it, but the above has made me much more sensitive. And for THAT, I'm grateful for the gut-punches.Kimhttp://www.americanmamacita.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-58292487247156556382012-03-03T21:29:14.023+00:002012-03-03T21:29:14.023+00:00This is a really helpful perspective on that kind ...This is a really helpful perspective on that kind of conversation. Thanks.Claudiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09352341442556433375noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-25637471137898027372012-03-03T21:28:39.698+00:002012-03-03T21:28:39.698+00:00Heh! I'm pretty sure that book would be called...Heh! I'm pretty sure that book would be called 'believe it or not, my pregnancy is not about you'. But obviously, I'm not speaking from experience!Claudiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09352341442556433375noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-12089286974078486622012-03-03T01:43:29.577+00:002012-03-03T01:43:29.577+00:00It's true, tread lightly. We are carring some...It's true, tread lightly. We are carring something, no need to pile on.Christinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18024229630052292112noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-19204363137835941072012-02-27T23:19:18.587+00:002012-02-27T23:19:18.587+00:00There is so much truth here. I think it helps to ...There is so much truth here. I think it helps to take a deep breath, look around, and realize that every single woman (and man) we encounter is a part of a story that we might not ever fully understand. They are the main characters in chapters we might not ever read. And there is beauty in that uniqueness. We are together, but we are also alone. There is a delightful paradox to that. If we run around thinking the world is out to get us, well, then it probably will.Khttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13468881865772390593noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-50111565510920947222012-02-27T16:52:47.540+00:002012-02-27T16:52:47.540+00:00Thanks for the thoughts! Sitting in the seat of th...Thanks for the thoughts! Sitting in the seat of the woman struggling with infertility, watching all of the more fertile women around me, I know exactly what you mean when you said you didn't know and maybe didn't want to know how hard their mommy lives were. Good reminder for me to go out and take note of all the many green blades of grass growing on my side of the fence.Hillaryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05986655550436264234noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-44577401646743417802012-02-27T16:36:23.417+00:002012-02-27T16:36:23.417+00:00I’m not a mom (yet) and maybe someday will underst...I’m not a mom (yet) and maybe someday will understand just how hard it is on the other side (seriously, *how* can you function on so little sleep???), although my non-IF friends will never, ever know how hard it is on this side—and sometimes that can make for awkwardness. Ie, a friend recently underwent IVF for her second child, and said to me “Wow, this is really hard. I just figured you were being dramatic”—which pretty much sums that particular relationship. At the same time, I also realize that if I take every comment personally then I will have no friends left at the end of this road, so it's not always worth getting upset over.Cory and Mollyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11630337123915433469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-5167601272387340352012-02-27T16:02:30.908+00:002012-02-27T16:02:30.908+00:00Oh yes, been there done that on both sides I'v...Oh yes, been there done that on both sides I've realized. I struggle a lot with a particular friendship. I struggle to remember how painful it is when motherhood does not come as expected when you are trying and trying, and I struggle to shut my mouth when she dismisses my concerns about my child. I struggle to remember that she may be thinking 'shut up! I'd do anything for your problems', which is what I used to think when I heard mothers saying they were struggling, which I only heard as complaining about having what I most wanted.barb_aloothttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07990706676816248438noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-82137079673467920872012-02-27T08:32:05.604+00:002012-02-27T08:32:05.604+00:00Oh, such a good post, and such great comments (as ...Oh, such a good post, and such great comments (as usual) from your readers.<br /><br />A blogger who used to read (not sure if she still does but definitely doesn't comment) my blog said to me once that people are mostly well intentioned and if they say stupid things, they (mostly) don't intend to hurt you.<br /><br />That has helped me a LOT in the last couple of years. A lot.<br /><br />Also, I've been thinking about you with your pretty hair... because mine is SO NOT PRETTY! :)Marcia (123 blog)https://www.blogger.com/profile/15581613927187600748noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-27523544440454146052012-02-27T02:15:54.184+00:002012-02-27T02:15:54.184+00:00So true, well said. This is where we need to &quo...So true, well said. This is where we need to "think more highly of others than we think of ourselves" so we can see their situation and not just our own.jystpnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08977012315434229387noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-16001092438032479642012-02-27T01:11:05.575+00:002012-02-27T01:11:05.575+00:00It is definitely weird to be on the other side. I ...It is definitely weird to be on the other side. I see all the time how my friends with kids bit their tongues, didn't complain to me but yet they were struggling. Once, when my friend had natural twins and had a toddler at home I thought I had done the good supportive thing by taking a meal and visiting them in the hospital. A month later on the phone she said "we're barely surviving over here." I felt so bad, I cooked a few more meals and trucked them over but even THAT was just scratching the surface. Now I know what barely surviving feels like and I wish I could go back in time and do something, like change a diaper or hold a baby or entertain a toddler, or all of it. But I couldn't then--I wasn't emotionally capable. Sigh. Life is tough. Relationships are complicated. Everyone has pain and struggles and that is why I think I can let go of my IF pain so easily--there's no room for it! Ha.<br /><br />Hugs.MyTwoLineshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11488860357456329714noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-77411942382363966992012-02-27T01:01:31.746+00:002012-02-27T01:01:31.746+00:00Isn't it insanely hard? It has been such a st...Isn't it insanely hard? It has been such a struggle for me that I often find myself wondering why on earth I wanted children. This has not come naturally to me. Sigh.Evelynhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01800995892415893734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-89442814423839243722012-02-27T00:35:05.212+00:002012-02-27T00:35:05.212+00:00I really love this post. I need constant reminders...I really love this post. I need constant reminders, it seems, to remain empathetic and remain aware of what I am/am not experiencing. <br /><br />love you for this.hotflawedmamahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04457871832437767637noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-85973027905736262032012-02-27T00:31:11.831+00:002012-02-27T00:31:11.831+00:00Fantastic.
I am certain I failed spectacularly in...Fantastic. <br />I am certain I failed spectacularly in the empathy department as a young mother when I had friends dealing with infertility. I am beter with that now but I fail spectacularly in other areas I am sure. We are all a work in progress I guess.Cindyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16842778531500045113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-62640042652162979772012-02-26T23:40:13.864+00:002012-02-26T23:40:13.864+00:00Beautiful post. And dead on. thank you for writing...Beautiful post. And dead on. thank you for writing it.<br /><br />MoMohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01671855540466269330noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-20292082433386546872012-02-26T23:19:18.666+00:002012-02-26T23:19:18.666+00:00YESYESBarbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16067045642285877560noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-72492457209145675772012-02-26T22:59:35.391+00:002012-02-26T22:59:35.391+00:00Um, I just checked and I am pretty sure my comment...Um, I just checked and I am pretty sure my comment is longer than your post. How is that for insensitive?Semi-feral Mamahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10458548683236858276noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-42741396775706034132012-02-26T22:58:48.559+00:002012-02-26T22:58:48.559+00:00Here comes the longest comment ever in which I def...Here comes the longest comment ever in which I defend the insensitive by claiming I am actually an optimist (with an outstanding sense of humor)...<br />I think people are a) fundamentally self-involved and b) fundamentally kind. So, if I tell you having two kids is hard, it is because I think having two kids is hard. It is not because I think having two kids is HARDER THAN anything you are going through. If you tell me it is hard to struggle with infertility and I have had a long day with my children and say, "take mine," it is NOT because I don't feel for you. It is because I do feel for you, but I don't know what to say, so I make a stupid joke. At the same time, it is NOT because I totally understand that particular struggle, but it is because I understand the universal feeling of "The grass is always greener." <br />I probably have confidence that some day you will have children, if that is what you really want. And I have confidence that at some point you will struggle with parts of motherhood. <br />I see my world. And I see our shared world. And I may take shortcuts in expressing myself. And I may make silly jokes when I simply don't know what else to say (I am trying to learn the art of simple empathetic sentences - but the more uncomfortable I feel about a topic, the harder it is for me to think of those first.)<br />This is not a defense of the insensitive. This is not a defense of my personal past behavior. It is just my view of human nature.<br />I have learned so much about the struggle of infertility through your blog. And I have become a much more sensitive person because of it. <br />I had a friend in high school whose parents had struggled through a difficult divorce. When she would get impatient with another person's driving, her mother would say, "Maybe she is getting a divorce."<br />25 years later this is still a mantra I remember when I am feeling patient and charitable. (Although not all the time as I should.) We never really know another person's inner struggles - even our good friend's or family members. Ideally we would extend a natural empathy toward everyone and try to appreciate that they may be struggling internally.<br />On the other hand if I went around all day assuming everyone's life sucked because they were struggling internally it would make me want to slit my wrists. Which is why I justify my humor.Semi-feral Mamahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10458548683236858276noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-16081342551215798592012-02-26T20:49:43.455+00:002012-02-26T20:49:43.455+00:00oh man. love this. so so true.oh man. love this. so so true.scooping it uphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08801475653537826888noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-51714959570146629142012-02-26T20:45:42.679+00:002012-02-26T20:45:42.679+00:00"We could see that what we were doing is hard..."We could see that what we were doing is hard, but we couldn't see that what we weren't doing was hard too." I love this sentence. It's absolutely true and brutal. Once, during a very emotional discussion about racism in teaching a colleague said to me, "I don't know what I don't know." I was stunned. It was a similar experience - I hadn't been kind about what she didn't know, and she hadn't been kind about what I DID know. Thank you for a nudge in the direction of compassion.M and Mhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00557944772547796979noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-39060122718217848232012-02-26T20:42:03.253+00:002012-02-26T20:42:03.253+00:00Great post, C. I wonder what kind of chapters wou...Great post, C. I wonder what kind of chapters would be in the book of the fertile woman talking to the infertile? Might be beneficial for us to hear, you know?<br /><br />I love your thoughts....Gretchenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07425898963082396240noreply@blogger.com