tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post371147474925721842..comments2023-10-19T13:55:22.556+01:00Comments on my fascinating life: Dispatches From The Middle Of The OceanClaudiahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09352341442556433375noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-52614981738159912022011-03-06T06:40:10.168+00:002011-03-06T06:40:10.168+00:00I am late to this party (with a good excuse)... bu...I am late to this party (with a good excuse)... but let me be the 28th person to say: thank you and wow. <br /><br />We have been home 5 days and I have already punched my adoption guilt-ambivalence-anger-irritation-self.loathing card many times. I haven't updated my blog since we got home because I just don't know what to say yet... <br /><br />This is hard? [Well, duh.] <br /><br />No, I mean HARD. [Well, you signed up for it.] <br /><br />No, I mean it's really hard and I don't like it. [Oh... man, you're a terrible person!] <br /><br />Grace, grace, grace. And more grace.Haleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16425646410486288854noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-28732773280082749692011-02-28T03:03:34.988+00:002011-02-28T03:03:34.988+00:00I resonate with almost every single thing you said...I resonate with almost every single thing you said. I get smacked, scratched, YELLED at so much that sometimes I just want to do it right back to them! Yes, K is my hardest one right now. Dreadful age indeed! I got all chillbumpy when I read that 2.5 is the magic age. Never heard that before, but it gave me such excitement at the possibility! You know my story. I am no perfect mama. Medication has helped me tremendously. And as far as God is concerned, I keep feeling as though I was abandoned way back in the waiting days. Never quite got over that. Who has time to develop that relationship anyway? Sigh.<br /><br />YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And I'm sorry I take so long to read your amazing posts. I run away from long posts, even though they are usually the ones that I enjoy the most. <br /><br />You are a treasure.Evelynhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01800995892415893734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-55258741075062084782011-02-21T14:13:27.282+00:002011-02-21T14:13:27.282+00:00great, now I'm the crazy person who left a dis...great, now I'm the crazy person who left a disgustingly long comment...los cazadoreshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08047753608490707714noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-53412436630135508732011-02-21T14:12:27.704+00:002011-02-21T14:12:27.704+00:00I know its been said, but this is incredibly writt...I know its been said, but this is incredibly written and it resonates with me. I went for a period of time where I had to stop reading these motherly-love type posts people were writing. They gave me the same feeling they were giving you, that these peoples lives were solely comprised of those kinds of days/moments. It just made me feel like a complete a-hole, filled me with self-loathing, given how difficult I was finding my days. <br /><br />I am sure that twins are beyond difficult in many ways I can't comprehend; having to do everything for two exactly aged dependant children - WOW. How do you ever leave the house? I can't imagine.<br /><br />But one child, I think must be very hard in a way that having more than one isn't. In that, particularly, there is no one else for the child to seek attention from except parent(s). On days when it is just he and I at home, O.A. follows me around all day long, I can do nothing without him whining for attention from me, and this even after I have allocated special attention time to doing things with him. His need for attention is ceaseless and I'm the target. Sometimes the urge to put him in front of the TV overcomes me and I succumb. And I'm the parent who said I would never do that.<br /><br />I too have had days where I feel like I wonder if I can handle his whining for attention one more minute more... before I lose my marbles entirely. Those days are painfully long.<br /><br />On top of all of it, there is the guilt that feeling induced and in order to admit these feelings to anyone I must qualify with how much I love him. And I do love him, intensly, with all my life. But on some days I feel like that life could perish if my husband does not come and take him from me.<br /><br />O and potty training - I thought would be the end of me. But he's potty trained now. Seriously though, it put me in tears doing it many times. It was exasperating.<br /><br />Thanks for writing such a brutally honest post, IT IS SO REFRESHING!los cazadoreshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08047753608490707714noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-85318971333377285862011-02-21T05:48:15.957+00:002011-02-21T05:48:15.957+00:00Hugs to you. Toddlers are a handful! There is no w...Hugs to you. Toddlers are a handful! There is no way that I could handle two who were the same age. They would rule the house.Juliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13790711152511868938noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-41147341611981489342011-02-21T03:51:04.748+00:002011-02-21T03:51:04.748+00:00how is it that no onw has quoted finding Nemo yet?...how is it that no onw has quoted finding Nemo yet?<br /><br />Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.<br /><br />From someone who has claimed that I think I am starting to feel ok for months, and then being continually surprised by how it's not exactly feeling ok yet and realizing I might never feel ok because dear God I have four kids four and under and they will always be this close in age, which means 4 teenagers at a time what was I thinking...<br /><br />I know. And I know about the Daddy being gone too much. I don't know about balancing work because that would send me over the edge into insane-o ville. So, my prayers, my thoughts, and my deep empathy is with you.<br /><br />love, your swimming buddy. You can't see me because I am in a different lane, but I am there, clawing for air with you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-1311329042930745952011-02-20T20:33:46.293+00:002011-02-20T20:33:46.293+00:00It will get better. When I don't know. It wi...It will get better. When I don't know. It will gradually get easier as they are able to do more for themselves, really it's not that far off. But there will still be days where you feel like you are drowning like during potty training or weaning off of naps or during infinitely long times of illness (like we've had this winter). I still have days when I wonder how I'm going to make it till bedtime, but they get fewer and farther between. Plus all of those amazing moments that melt your heart are there for a reason. Eventually you'll look back and actually miss it, I know it's impossible to believe right now. Mine will be 5, 5, and 4 this year and I sometime I so wish for when they were younger and all of those awful make me want to pull my hair out things (like Bam eating his crib or chewing outlet covers out of the outlets) are actually kind of funny to think about now even though it was certainly not the least bit funny then.Kimhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08164289513143006410noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-89820162092828255312011-02-19T05:25:47.321+00:002011-02-19T05:25:47.321+00:00I don't have children, so am not really qualif...I don't have children, so am not really qualified to comment, but I saw a T-Shirt the other day that said "It takes a village to keep the mother of a toddler from leaping off the roof." It made me laugh--thought it might give you a smile, too. And I think it illustrates that you are *not* alone in how hard this stage of the game is. Hang in there!!!Cory and Mollyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11630337123915433469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-39883251818078475562011-02-19T04:34:41.376+00:002011-02-19T04:34:41.376+00:00I have one toddler and have help with me most of t...I have one toddler and have help with me most of the time and, I admit it, I have days like this too. They are tough, and I couldn't, seriously couldn't, dare-I-say-it-bash-my-head-against-the-wall, could not do it with twins and without the help! Good news: It does get better. Bad news: I don't think it's at 2.5. Probably more like 4.....Hang in there. Throw me a life jacket, will you? And I will do the same for you.Anniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16890145434015694326noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-39944617319347306582011-02-19T04:31:24.083+00:002011-02-19T04:31:24.083+00:00I sent you a much longer email but let me just say...I sent you a much longer email but let me just say this... I feel ALL of this, ALL OF IT (and more). It is so much harder than I thought it would be. And it has only been in the last couple weeks when hard but funny became I am pretty sure I can not do this anymore.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-81097234393201602702011-02-18T16:03:51.390+00:002011-02-18T16:03:51.390+00:00Oh, Sister. I so feel you. I have felt the same ...Oh, Sister. I so feel you. I have felt the same way about both my bio and adopted children and I must say the GUILT about the adopted child is MUCH worse than the guilt about the bio ones. Not sure why... but it just is. I think things like "Good Lord! She was an orphan! She just needs a hug! What kind of awful person would push her away to go get more coffee???" but I do. I did it to my bio boys too, but it felt different somehow. Like I was entitled to do it. Now it just makes me feel like crap. <br /><br />It *does* get easier. Toddlerhood is sweet and wonderful for about 5 minutes a week. But would you believe me if I told you that someday those 5 minutes are ALL you are going to remember from these years? Okay, you'll remember the other stuff. But the bad/crazy stuff won't carry as much weight as those 5 minutes. Really. <br /><br />You are doing a great job. And deserve as much coffee as you want. ;-)Gaylahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12958267663405508736noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-21164082555051742612011-02-18T08:19:55.299+00:002011-02-18T08:19:55.299+00:00I can completely relate to your post. About two ye...I can completely relate to your post. About two years ago, when I had a one and three year old, the baby woke up at least three times a night, the toddler was up at five every morning, and my husband was travelling three days a week, I seriously thought I was going to lose it. I'm an expat like you and my family is in America so I had no respite, ever. This was all going on while my beloved sister was going through yet another IVF, so then all I felt was guilty guilty guilty, and angry and disappointed in myself. I remember telling my husband I wanted to run away.<br /><br />I seriously do not know how you do it with twins, and I think it would be a million times harder. <br />One thing that helped me was I met up with the same mums every week where we talked (mostly about how tired and irritable we were.) It really helped to know I wasn't the only one. <br /><br />All I can say is that it really does get easier as they get older. They can start watching Cbeebies for more than five minutes at a time and going off to play with toys without needing you to intervene constantly. I know it won't make you feel better right now but I do think you're at the very hardest point. Soon you'll be looking back at this time in your life and feeling really grateful that it's over, and also grateful to Cbeebies!aecusackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04419009112013638540noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-55141882389974454922011-02-18T07:21:45.117+00:002011-02-18T07:21:45.117+00:00*HUG*
I didn't have the time to read ALL your ...*HUG*<br />I didn't have the time to read ALL your post, but I did read most of it and I just want to hug you and wish I could come give you a break! Do you get a chance weekly or every other week to get time to yourself? I have heard from many experienced moms that this is how they got through the hard times. I am trying to do so...sometimes it happens and when it does, I am a different Momma and Wife. Without the experience of being there, I completely agree with others that a MAJOR factor for you is TWINS and that your husband comes home so late. I am confident I would want to be pulling my hair out daily or crying a lot in your situation!!! I am praying for some good, practical help for you. Also for strength, lots of reminders of solidarity, creativity, freedom from the guilt and the peace to take the days one hour at a time. Sending lots of love to you!Annahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06101086842001350040noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-22191406504566947942011-02-18T05:18:53.795+00:002011-02-18T05:18:53.795+00:00So well written.
Posts like yours so scare me be...So well written. <br /><br />Posts like yours so scare me because I'm childless and have been for for nine years of marriage and we expect our referral for two any day now. It could be twins, but even if it isn't the whole thing scares the pants off me, even though I know intellectually what I'm getting myself into, and even though I'm the oldest of 10 and have lots of experience with kids. <br /><br />So I have no wisdom, nothing to share except that I think you will each day into a place where you can look back and say "wow" and the great thing about children is they change, they grow, they do not stay the same, and neither do we, really.Zoehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08581721912333648084noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-58738968630240260792011-02-18T04:26:23.000+00:002011-02-18T04:26:23.000+00:00When my three old son discovered he had an opinion...When my three old son discovered he had an opinion about everything, I felt like it got way harder to parent. Thank you for your honesty - sometimes it's hard to put the tough stuff out there.Sarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10513940748178185617noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-824940770541018342011-02-18T02:55:19.115+00:002011-02-18T02:55:19.115+00:00I think that all sounds spot on. Genius as usual.
...I think that all sounds spot on. Genius as usual.<br /><br />I'll tell you... there were moments when I felt somewhat like that in the BEGINNING of my time with E. His newborn phase was so very horrible in so many ways. My husband and I say the most horrible, awful, amazing, wonderful thing we've ever been through. Sound about right to you? And I felt NOTHING but guilt about it which didn't help. Some people were understanding, and others were all judgy as in "Why are you acting so tired and unhappy? Isn't this what you so desperately WANTED?" And yes, I'd reply, it absolutely is with all my heart, and I love it. But that didn't stop the insanity from lack of sleep, frustration from not being able to provide what he needed so he could be calm, or the need for just ONE QUIET DAY OR NIGHT.<br /><br />And there... now I look like a bad momma too.Barbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16067045642285877560noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-76235055375072238702011-02-18T02:33:10.921+00:002011-02-18T02:33:10.921+00:00I think we need to have an off-blog/ email chat ab...I think we need to have an off-blog/ email chat about this cause we are swimming in the same body of water right now. And I don't want to cause a ruckus but I think what sets us apart from others is the twin factor. Twins are not the same as two kids 'close in age.' they just aren't. We are at 22 months and life is harder than I ever imagined. People who have kids to save their marriages are crazy. I could go on but have to go to bed (at 8:30... because I'm exhausted. as always.). Just know that I agree with and echo everything you said--the crazy love and the ambivalence. I'm with you mama. let's talk sometime.Kat & Stacyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06771223055953137126noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-89403442024947680462011-02-17T21:10:54.783+00:002011-02-17T21:10:54.783+00:00One of the hardest times for me as a mom was this ...One of the hardest times for me as a mom was this period of time when Ted was traveling to Los Angeles for long stretches, anywhere from a couple of days to a few weeks. The longest stretch was a month but that was when Abe was older. When he was little, like yours, Ted was gone once for a week, and I thought I was going to lose it. I really did. We decided then and there that our limit was 5 days away because we are not made to go these long stretches without a break. And that's basically what you're doing with your husband gone until so late at night (and with two!). <br /><br />I wish I were closer so I could take the kids regularly for you. During that hard period of Ted being away, I was always so thankful for even an hour or two when a friend would watch Abe for me.Lorihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15553145979283388517noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-38377071477485766682011-02-17T14:38:22.320+00:002011-02-17T14:38:22.320+00:00Great post Claud!
Solomon's biggest thing i...Great post Claud! <br /><br />Solomon's biggest thing is smacking me right in the face. Or throwing (umm, more like launching) a toy my direction when he's mad. When that happens I find it really hard to breathe.<br /><br />I understand your words.Gretchenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07425898963082396240noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-79675738312958354062011-02-17T13:26:45.464+00:002011-02-17T13:26:45.464+00:00I have had countless people tell me I could have t...I have had countless people tell me I could have their kid while we were waiting. I also can understand this on an intellectual level, but have not experienced it, but I think nothing less of you, at all. <br /><br />I've had some serious adoption guilt over the last 24 hours. As I wallow in my pain of having to leave my child in Ethiopia, with no end in sight for our return, my heart pained for him. And yesterday, I reminded myself that his mother will likely feel this same pain, perhaps daily, for the rest of her life. I only have to endure it for a few weeks. Serious guilt and shame for me too. <br /><br />Thanks for sharing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-14500466304391276212011-02-17T12:06:33.269+00:002011-02-17T12:06:33.269+00:00This post is beautifully honest. The one thing I ...This post is beautifully honest. The one thing I could wish for you is to let yourself off the hook about finding it to be hard. I told a friend recently that I get a little flip in my stomach when I see that bus come in the morning to take my son away. But guess what? I also feel that little flip when the bus comes back and he jumps into my arms. I'm glad to see him go and I'm glad to see him come back. The hardest part of having a baby for me was the sleeplessness. It took its toll on my ability to deal with everything else. One two year molars were in, we all slept through the night and things got better. The other thing that makes me sad, or should I say, scares me, is the additional guilt of feeling this way about an adopted child. I imagine I might feel that way, too, but I don't want to and I wish you didn't either. I won't know about me until I get there. I'll say it again, this is a beautiful piece of writing.Christinehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18024229630052292112noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-41167270750721519522011-02-17T09:59:10.041+00:002011-02-17T09:59:10.041+00:00So many things to say, only 7 minutes (meeting com...So many things to say, only 7 minutes (meeting coming up)<br /><br />I laughed and nodded and went, "mmm" throughout this post.<br /><br />your writing is beautiful! and I see why you can't only write 200 words.<br /><br />Love the visual images of the lakes - love it.<br /><br />It is very, very hard at times. No one is disputing that.<br /><br />I am one of those you will hate with a 6pm husband and dear V. I would die without V - seriously. I need to write about the school/ V scenario.<br /><br />love what you said about connection vs happiness. So true - i want to know i'm not alone.<br /><br />But here's something to encourage you.<br /><br />on sunday MIL babysat so we could go to a movie. we were away from our kids from 12:30 - 4 pm. After church which was as usual awful as I've blogged. Running around non-stop, sweating within first 5 minutes of toddler wrangling.<br /><br />Just before we left to go home (3:45 pm) I said to D, "I can't WAIT til they go to bed (6pm)". D thought it was a terrible thing to say - I said, "I can't help it - they are hard, hard work".<br /><br />they really are - i'm praying your islands get bigger and the sea becomes smaller and smaller :)<br /><br />love you!Marcia (123 blog)https://www.blogger.com/profile/15581613927187600748noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-22505265396532067222011-02-17T04:45:41.539+00:002011-02-17T04:45:41.539+00:00Ah, I love how you write. I often finish reading a...Ah, I love how you write. I often finish reading a post of yours thinking, I would love to comment but she said it all! And you say it without using any bad words!<br /><br />Here is my take on all of it:<br />Kids are really effing hard.<br />They can and will be horrible, often.<br />Mommy guilt will suck the life out of you in under an hour.<br />Feeling your feelings does not make you a bad person.<br />You are normal and this shit is crazy, it really is!<br /><br />Okay? Feel better. Make their world really small and use ear plugs! That is your up- ending, hope you liked it, lol!The Accidental Mommyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00409271721074309249noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-4951896870146928832011-02-17T04:08:51.240+00:002011-02-17T04:08:51.240+00:00Oh my gosh -- I can really relate to this post. My...Oh my gosh -- I can really relate to this post. My oldest is 6 and so lots of things are better -- we're (mostly) past the toddler tantrums and limit testing, she has some ability to make good judgments even when I'm not right on top of her so she can play alone at times, and she's generally less needy. My youngest is 3 1/2 -- and I'm hoping heading into an easier phase. While I adore my children -- and am thankful for them every day after the long wait to become a parent -- there are moments (even days) when I don't really like them much. And there have been a few times when I've thought maybe this mom thing isn't as great as it's cracked up to be. Which of course brings on the guilt of how I could possibly feel that way after wanting so desperately to be a mom. Thanks for such an honest post!Tonyahttp://www.mommymusings.netnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2075858460867483977.post-24106348872147646982011-02-16T23:09:38.816+00:002011-02-16T23:09:38.816+00:00Toddlers are hard.
I wished MANY tines after my f...Toddlers are hard. <br />I wished MANY tines after my first was born that someone...anyone...would have told me how hard it would be. That I may not fall in love the second he arrived or feel much of anything for a couple weeks or that maybe my DH and I would not in fact "love each other SO much more" while we adjusted our perceptions of each others and parenthood.<br />Hang in there momma! You are doing great!Cindyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16842778531500045113noreply@blogger.com